You know you are graduating from UMass Amherst when:

1) No preparation whatsoever is required- you may get your cap and gown on your way into graduation (in case you have been drunk for the last two weeks and forgot to get them.)

2) When the marshalls say "lines of three" you all walk into the processional in a giant mob.

3) The processional takes so long to get all 4,000 graduates into their seats that we all begin sitting down half-way through.

4) Graduates then proceed to stand on their chairs to look for people, talk to their relatives on their cell phones, take their gowns off because it is extremely hot, and leave their seats to go talk to people on the sidelines.

5) When the speaking finally commences, we then break out the beachballs that have been stashed under gowns, inflate them, and toss them around for fun- this continues throughout the entire two-hour ceremony- probably 2 or 3 dozen beachballs total.

6) Whenever a "marshall" manages to snatch one of the beachballs away (their primary job), the grads boo the marshall loud enough to drown out the speaker on stage.

7) Your particular section at one point sets off one beachball, then two (a typical number seen in all the sections), then three (at which point people begin to cheer), then four (and things start to get rowdy), and on until you've got 6 beachballs all going at once among the same small group, to the loud pleasure of the rest.

8) When the beachballs run out towards the end, the programs are sacrificed to mutitudes of paper airplanes.

9) The girl behind you continually screams like a rabid sports fan at inappropriate moments- for example, "Yeah- go trustees!" and "Sing it, UMass!"

10) When the Chancellor asks all alumni present to now stand, the graduates collectively fail to realize that they are now alumni for several seconds, then realize this collectively, and jump up screaming all at once. Don't ask how we got into college in the first place.

11) And last, but not least, the crowning moment that truly lets you know that you are graduating from the best university on the planet... somebody has snuck in, inflated, and begun to toss overhead- not just a beachball- but an inflatable naked lady.

I love UMass.

The Homosexual Agenda in action!

Last week we attended the first session of our 8-week foster parenting class that will, in conjunction with our (successful) homestudy, make us licensed foster parents in Massachusetts. We were bemused by the fact that we were two of only four potential foster parents in the class and especially by the fact that we were both same-sex couples. I was relieved at not having to deal with heterosexist weirdness, but also wary because the facilitators said there might be one more couple joining us at the next session. I kept remembering the "Boobie School Drop-out" post over at Name That Mama, and dreading some homophobic straight couple potentially ruining our experience. I hate conflict. So we went to the second session tonight, and there were not one, but two new couples joining the class. Lo and behold, we are becoming foster parents with yet another same-sex couple! That makes 3 out of 4 couples. I had to try really hard not to laugh when I walked in. Even our facilitator commented on us- apparently many foster parents are same-sex couples, but she'd never had a class with quite that ratio before. And the poor, lone straight couple- little did they know what they were getting themselves into. Not just any straight couple, either- the Dad is a high school sports coach, and the Mom has had three bio kids already and described herself as emotional. To top it off, we had a role play session and the poor woman wound up married to another woman- the lesbian recruitment plan is just top knotch these days, I tell you! I can only imagine what their conversation was like on the way home! I kinda feel sorry for them- I'm sure this was not what they were expecting. Still, this quells my fears and I'm really glad to start this process with some friendly faces. I think I'm going to like this class. And I hope we get to stay in touch with the families we are taking the class with- it would be great to go through this process together and commisserate as newbies. Yay for foster parents, and especially queer foster parents, everywhere!

Nobody puts Baby in a crappy dress!

We went to pick up J's dress from David's Bridal this evening- a "pickup style" bridesmaid's dress that we paid $220 for- what a big disappointment! Not only didn't it look even remotely like the picture in the catalogue (on the left), it was worse than the floor model that she tried on in the first place (which looked great on her despite the wear and tear of lots of trying-on). Flimsy material, haphazard work on the "pickups", saggy all over and especially in the front (not related to the size), a pull in the fabric right in the middle of the bodice- overall just a shoddy job. I was so mad! Still am. We had them re-order the dress and send this one back as a "failure" so that the new one will get here faster. And it had better look like riches when it gets here! Nobody puts my baby in a crappy wedding dress! Not a pleasant week in the land of tulle and glitter.

Runaway officiant

The brides are here and ready to go, but where is their officiant? Gone! The minister we had set up our wedding plans with has bailed on us because a couple in her own congregation asked her to officiate their wedding on the same day, and I guess the rules say she has to do theirs even though we asked her first. Thank goodness we still have 3 1/2 months until the wedding! Still, the choices are fairly limited. Our congregation doesn't have a minister right now because the last one resigned and he's not allowed to officiate ceremonies at our church anymore (more annoying church rules). J wanted the chaplain at her alma mater to officiate, but since she's so awesome she's very popular and had prior obligations already set up for that weekend when we asked. She made suggestions of who else might do it, and so we called this one and met with her and decided she would be a great officiant, and then she bailed. Now, while my oldest sister B was here visiting and graduating with her PhD a couple of weeks ago, I asked her to be the sole reader and co-officiant of the ceremony, but I don't think going it alone is what she had in mind when she accepted. Job for today: find a replacement officiant! Quick!

Check, check, check out please!

-Lots of mirrors facing up... check.
-Mirrors on the doors facing out...check.
-Wind chimes...check.
-Shiny baubles...check.
-Giant wall mirror and Buddha thing with a candle in our "Helpful People" corner...check.

As it turns out, the landlady does not think she can ask them to move unless they don't pay the rent, and mediation wasn't productive in the least, so we're feng shuiing up a storm in here with all the ideas I could find about quelling lousy neighbors. It was just starting to feel like home in here (we've only been in this apartment since January) and we've put a lot of work into the place, so we really don't want to leave. But we can't live with Madame Psycho and Mr. Meek Husband anymore. I do feel really bad for the kid, though- she's only 8 and has to deal with them all the time. We put up a picture of Damara, a goddess of children and family harmony, and play soft music in our kid-room that sits under their daughter's bedroom. I wish there were a good solution for everyone!