Love's bouncing out all over the place!

Yay for Shelli and Narda!

---updated---
"And with the sweets come the sours." Congratulations and condolances together this week- so sorry.

Churchy Choices

J found her dress yesterday! The picture is her dress on a very pretty model from David's Bridal- not nearly as pretty as J, of course. We took some pictures (J trying on the dress on the left, and my sister trying bridesmaid dresses), so I'll try to post a few of those once they're developed. She's awfully purty!
For a while now, I've been trying to come up with a post on religion and our wedding. One reason for this is the way that our media and community talks about same-sex marriage. Usually, the image presented is of a same-sex couple applying for their marriage license at City Hall vs. a straight couple getting married in a church, and the dichotomy of the argument is between civil marriage and religious marriage. It is important to draw the distinction for people, because the radical right tries to confuse the general public by equating the two- trying to scare people into opposing others' civil rights by predicting change in their own religious organizations. In reality, of course, civil marriage is the civil right, and individual churches and religious organizations will make up their own policies on whether or not to officiate at same-sex weddings or recognize the marriages of their GLBT members. So, the distinction is important, but it does partly play into the radical right's corner on religion (at least in the media). Lost in all the hysteria over ultra-conservative churches wrestling for control of our government are the religious freedoms of other people. Like us. We have a religion, too, and have every right to practice it as one of the founding principles of the government we live under. Now, for those who belong to religious organizations that don't recognize them fully because they are queer, having a wedding within that organization is probably not possible, because religious marriage rights are entirely up to the congregations that make up each particular practice. For us, belonging to a religious organization that recognizes the sacredness of our wedding, means that having a wedding in our welcoming church, using our traditions, is an expression of our religious identity and freedom. It might sound funny for a Unitarian Universalist to say, but having a religious wedding in our faith is important to us. And I'm very happy that our congregation is open and welcoming to us so that we can do so.
That being said, J and I will also be having a private exchange of vows in the very early morning, to personally recognize the different religious backgrounds we come from. Though we're both very happy to have joined our UU Society, we also come to it from two very different traditions, and we want to use them as we make our personal and private vows in the morning, before we meet our friends and family at church. So darn traditional, again. Fiddler on the Roof, anyone?

Uncle Sam is My Best Man.

And he's paying for my wedding photography, courtesy of my big, fat tax return. Whether he wants to recognize a lesbian marriage or not. Working my piddly-pay human services job (that I loved) for much of `05, I paid quite a bit in taxes, but then quit to go back to school and shelled out almost $5000 for the semester, plus paying in on some student loan interest. The results? Getting to stop freaking out about not being able to afford major wedding expenses. Thanks so much for the great comments on my last post- I love hearing wedding stories and ideas- we're definitely taking the advice on shelling out the cash for a photographer. My return should just about cover it. Now I just hope nobody has booked this guy since last weekend! It was great to hear that some of you made/are making it work on small budgets- I think we'll have a similar budget to work with (thanks to the IRS) and it's nice to be in good company! Now, if we can just get a windfall for that cruise to Alaska...

I want, I want, I want!

Argggh! There is this awesome photographer that I want to work our wedding- he did our friends' wedding in September, and the pictures are amazing. I spent hours looking through their photos online- yes, he provides you with your own website from which you and your guests can order whatever photos you want after the wedding. And because he worked their wedding, I'm reasonably sure he has no problem working a lesbian wedding. And he takes a ton of photos and has great candids- my favorite kind of picture. And beautiful albums. Most importantly, he has a wonderful perspective on his role at a wedding, hard to describe, but just the kind of courtesy and involvement I'm looking for. I really want this guy to be our photographer!
Problem? We don't know if we have the money for photography at all- and very iffy about having enough for reception photos- my favorite part. I have looked around and he's comparable to other photographers (slightly more than the average, but I think he's way more than an average photographer,) so we'd pay about the same for anyone to do the time and album prep I would like- from preparation before the ceremony through the first hour of dancing. I talked to him again today, and we can get a time-package of at least four hours (and he offered whatever other time we need, which is a great deal) for a 1000. No album in this package- which means without the book, 300 prints, several black-and-white-with-an-element-left-in-color pictures (I don't know what you call that), however many pages we want, etc. I want the whole package- the whole day of awesome photography and the album. So, my inner toddler is coming out right now. I waaaaaant it!
My question is: how do people pay for weddings?! Aqaintances of ours spent a rumored $35,000 on theirs. And they are not rich people! The average American wedding supposedly now costs $24,000. Where do people get this money from? Do they take out special wedding-loans from the bank? Do they charge everything on their credit? Do they take out second mortgages on their houses? Where does it all come from? Anybody who knows the answer to this mystery, please enlighten me- I'm mystitfied!

Charge it!

Just over two years ago, my little cat Jezebel was much too curious of a cat one day and, unbeknownst to her mum, she ate a big, blue rubber band. It got stuck somewhere down in there and she started puking all over the place and I took her to the vet who took x-rays and said she needed surgery or she "wouldn't make it". This sent miss Jezzy and her blubbering mum racing over to the animal hospital where the doctors told me her surgery would cost over $2000. Since I had just spent my last dollar on her x-rays and didn't have two grand, I was about to really lose it, when the doctor said there was a special credit card for vet bills, called Care Credit, that I could apply for right there. So I did and paid for the surgery and had to go home without my kitty for the night. Fortunately she passed the rubber band all by herself, though the animal hospital still charged me $750 for an overnight and an enema. Appalling, yes, but I was very glad to have my new credit card just for veterinary emergencies, and took Jezebel on our merry way home. I am telling you this story for a reason, I swear.

So, because it is largely what I do with my spare time, I was looking up conception and baby information online last week, and came across the Fairfax cryobank website. While reading all about how great their sperm is, the regular prices and the high prices (for the highly educated guys donating especially smart sperm), and the jaw-dropping deposit just to borrow a cold tank for a few days, I stumbled across some info about payment options. And there was a picture of my Care Credit veterinary credit card! For a moment I was thinking- Wow, I can buy sperm on the vet card! Though I realize now that the animal hospital just didn't tell me the card could be used for any medical expenses, I still find this hilarious. Somehow it seems that two things of such different purpose and stature should not be on the same payment plan.

In other news, today was my second day on the new job, and I think it's going to be good! In outreach, I'll be working with people who have mental health needs and who use Medicaid to connect to community services and resources so as to help them stay out of more expensive treatment and services (namely the hospital and jail). Not always fun, but definitely challenging and fascinating. Yesterday, sitting alone on my lunch break, I had a thought- I'm finally a social worker. No MSW and no license and I don't practice therapy, but this is just the kind of social work I said I wanted to do years ago. It was a bit of a winding road to get here, but somehow I'm here, and I think it's going to be a great experience. Yay!

Proof that she loves me

Most recent example of how much J loves me: today while she was at work, I cut up our bedroom curtains in order to cover up the atrocious wallpaper in our little foyer. I was afraid she was going to kill me when she got home, but she didn't- she did however agree that it's a really good thing I'm going to have a job starting Tuesday. I think so, too!

Let out your inner travel guide!

J and I are talking about where we'd like to go on vacation after getting hitched (that is if there's any money left over). We've talked about Canada, Europe, and a cruise we definitely can't afford. I'm thinking there must be other interesting places to see here in the Continental U.S., and other places we haven't thought of. I'm curious to know about the neat things to see and do in your neck of the woods and also places you'd like to travel to.

Anybody traveling this way should definitely explore some of the Pioneer Valley. Of course, Northampton is the great cultural center around here, with music and arts venues galore. The Iron Horse Music Hall is a great place to get a meal and watch the show- they have hosted some of my favorite musicians (like Melissa Ferrick, Kate Rusby, Kris Delmorst, etc.) and it's where J and I first met! Other great arts venues include the Calvin Theatre, Pearl Street Nightclub, Pleasant Street Theatre, and the Academy of Music, along with several free art galleries. The best cup of coffee in town (always organic and fair-trade) is the Haymarket, but keep your eyes peeled, because it may be one of the oldest stalwarts of Noho businesses, but the doorway is tiny and easy to miss! Noho is also home to Smith College and it's beautiful river and walking trails, and for a great day of family fun, go to Look Park- a beautiful public park complete with trails, picnic sites, a petting zoo, paddle boats, a choo-choo train, wading pool with giant flower-sprinkler, and outdoor concert half-shell known as the Pines Theatre. Of course, I'd reccommend our favorite restaurant and site of our wedding reception, the Northampton Brewery for good food and great beer brewed on site. Northampton is also home to the Valley's premier GLBT Nightclub, Diva's.

Closeby, Easthampton- Center of the Universe (as the townie bumper sticker declares) is home to the Pioneer Arts Center of Easthampton (PACE) for music and theatre, and the Brass Cat and Amy's Place have both served me good drinks in an enjoyable atmosphere. The Riverside building at 1 Cottage St. is also a neat place to visit because the upper floors are artists' studios filled with fascinating wares. For a nature day, Mount Tom is beautiful and has picnic sites, wonderful trails leading to amazing views, the Eerie House Ruins, and two climbing towers to look even farther.

The Northern Valley is full of highly recommended experiences- try our new hometown of Greenfield for the People's Pint (another great local brewery with some of the best food on the town), Poet's Seat Tower for a beautiful nature walk up to the tower that over looks the town, and the Green River Music Festival and hot air balloon launch every summer. Nearby is Shelburne Falls, famous for the glacial "Potholes" that are naturally formed craters from the last Ice Age that are now part of the Salmon Falls waterfall. Though swimming isn't allowed anymore, it's still a fantastic site for the geologists among you. Just down the street is the Bridge of Flowers- quite literally an expansive bridge that is covered in flowers from spring to fall- it draws thousands of visitors every year and it's absolutely beautiful. Other things to see in the Shelburne area include the Trolley Museum and Mass MoCA- a venue for some of the Valley's best arts and cultural entertainment. We're not far from Brattleboro, VT, either, but that's another state for another time!

The Valley in general is a very GLBT friendly place, especially Northampton, so it's definitely on my list of safe places to go. Also a very family-friendly place, with lots of entertainment that would be great for kids- even at pride. The Northampton Pride parade and festival continues to be the largest concentration of two-mom families I've ever seen, year after year. Of course, there's a lot more to the area, but there's my short review of our little part of the world! And yours?

Any ideas?

Any tips on what to blast toward the ceiling when our annoying new neighbors play obnoxiously loud, bad rap music? I've currently got the William Tell Overture going top volume.

Getting closer

This one is about my folks, and it's a little long, so I apologize- on both counts.
After a couple of terrible years, my parents (especially my Dad) and I are slowly getting closer again. They took the coming out thing pretty hard and there was a long time when every interaction with Mom was strained and painful, while there was no interaction with Dad- he and I barely spoke for a couple of years. That was four years ago. It was awful. Especially with Mom, because she and I were so close when I was a teenager. I know many teens are embarassed by their parents, but I never felt that way about her, and we had so much fun.

About a year and a half ago, something changed, and I don't know what it was- maybe it was just the realization of how much we were losing- missing out on our conversations, holidays, just being a cohesive family. Combined, I think, with Dad having what he thought was a near-death experience- it turned out to be nothing much, but he was upset by it (I think I would be, too). He was dehydrated from too high a dosage of diuretics, and felt like he quite literally couldn't move out of bed one morning. He thought he was dying, and according to my mother, said to her "Tell Kate I love her." My mother being a career nurse (thus, having no sympathy for anybody's whining) told him to get in the car so she could take him to the hospital, and when it was apparent that all he needed was some fluids, she replied "Tell her yourself."

Later on that summer, Mom must have had a conversation with him to the likes of "They're both being invited to dinner, and you're going to show up, or else." She invited J and I up to their house for dinner (the first time I was ever able to bring a girlfriend home) and we nervously went. Dad was mysteriously missing for a while (he is often mysteriously missing), presumably going for a drive and convincing himself to show up and be nice, and he came in about forty-five minutes late. We had dinner, where J was introduced to our family pastime of intellect-grueling political debate over meals, and we retired to the living room for tea afterwards. I was desperately and pointedly bringing up J's most Dad-baiting qualities and things they have in common- being Air Force vets, getting their Masters degrees, hobbies in photography, etc. Bing! The photography part struck the right cord (Dad has been really into photography since retiring a few years ago, including starting his own business), and he was off! Background info: My Dad loves to lecture on very specific, often inane, subjects to one or more sorry souls for hours on end, similar to his love for driving unsuspecting passengers on unbelievably long routes on what should be 5-minute trips in the car). He invited J to the computer room so that he could show her the online photo-finishing service he uses, and spent the next two and a half hours telling her all about non-digital photography. After snickering about it long enough, Mom and I decided to rescue J. As we left, there were hugs all around (I was practically crying on the way home because I could hardly believe my Dad just hugged my girlfriend) and things have gotten slowly better since then.
We've had our share of fights and difficult conversations since then (the most recent of which was about whether or not they would attend my wedding- see archives for that story), but I certainly never would have imagined four years ago, being in this good position with them now. When it was still really bad, my middle sister and I joked that I had really done her a favor (as she had had the most difficult relationship with the `rents of the three of us), by coming out to them- I was officially demoted to Least Favorite Daughter, and she actually got to enjoy the middle for a while. I'm fixing to regain my favored status! SO, a couple of new things have happened in this process since J and I have moved just 10 minutes away from my parents. The first couple of things were a little unnerving. I expected the unannounced visits and such, but really! First Dad walked into our apartment and scared the crap out of J- she hadn't heard him knock and the doorbell didn't work (we have since bought a wireless doorbell to avoid the potential catastrophies from that). Then, he showed up at the laundromat while I was folding. Because he saw my car. And then sat in a nearby chair in uncomfortable near-silence until he decided to leave. Hm. I'm not nearly as weirded out by these things as perhaps I should be, but they are in the category of things about living so close to the folks that aren't exactly fabulous. This however, is far outweighed by the things you learn when spending more time together- such as discovering that my Mom made a picture-frame-quilt-wall-hanging-thingy, above their bed with five pictures in it. Grammie and Grampa B, Mom and Dad, Barbara and Will (oldest sister and bro-in-law), Sarah and Tim (middle sister and partner), and me and J. In the middle are embroidered the words, "Families stiched together by love seldom unravel." So we're not there, yet, but we're getting closer.

A story about "Manifesta : Young Women, Feminism, and the Future"

Manifesta : Young Women, Feminism, and the Future

by Jennifer Baumgardner

This is a great view into what 3rd wave feminists are doing these days, giving the younger generation the credit they usually don’t get for their activism, while also emphasizing a hefty responsibility to learn about and from the 2nd wavers. By the time you get to the suggested actions at the end of the book, it’s easy to understand the historical context and the possible ways of putting those lists into practice. One of my favorites.

See more about Manifesta : Young Women, Feminism, and the Future

A story about "The Creation of Patriarchy"

The Creation of Patriarchy

by Gerda Lerner

Wow. One of my favorite books. I think this is my favorite in non-fiction. Very well written with a multi-faceted feminist critique of sexism in historiography, as well as the best overview of the history of women and patriarchy that I’ve read, from pre-history on up.

See more about The Creation of Patriarchy

Feng Shui for better pay!

Little post-it notes are stuck all around the walls in every room in the new apartment as I am trying to figure out exactly where the Seven Portents and Eight Enrichments are located. I think I've got it all mapped out, although those Portents are mightily confusing! I really don't like the terms "Six Curses" or "Severed Fate". Fortunately, the Severed Fate location seems to be outside in the stairwell (not a part of our apartment), and the more favorable ones are in our office, bedroom, and most importantly the (very hopefully) kid room. The kid/baby room is also spanning the marriage and children corners of the Enrichments (I think). I'd rather have the marriage one in our bedroom, but there's just no way about it and we've got Fame & Rank in the bedroom instead- make of that what you will! ;)
We are currently way too disorganized to do anything with this information, but I'm fully planning on juicing up my career and wealth corners ASAP. Tomorrow, I'm accepting a job offer here in Greenfield and declining another in Brattleboro. I was laughing at this decision on the way home from the interview for the Brattleboro job today, because the interview was so pleasant and interviewing for the Greenfield position was so hard and sometimes frustrating. But, I'm really excited about the new job- social services outreach to people with severe mental illness- because it's very different from my previous work, so it will be interesting and challenging, calls for a lot of independence and a steep learning curve, will be a great help in getting into grad school and/or applying as a state social worker in the future, and means I'll get to work with a great co-worker and supervisor. The downside? Crap pay. It sucks going from one job that didn't pay all that much, back to school, earn a degree, and then go back to work and take a pay cut. I guess it just contributes to the growing evidence that these days, a bachelor's degree isn't worth two patooties. Regardless, the job sounds interesting, I could certianly do worse, and the union contract negotiations are up in the spring, so things might get even better. Because they already are great. New apartment in a great new town, my totally awesome lady love, school's done, job offer for something new and exciting, which all means we are so much closer to beginning the process to become foster parents, to getting married, and (hopefully) to buying unbelievably expensive, well-tested, frozen sperm. Hm, back to that Wealth & Money corner...

"Leave it to the lesbians to have the most romantic proposal ever."

Said J's little sister when she first heard the story. I'm not bragging... but it was a really good proposal. It's in the October archives if you're curious. I'm thinking about this now because it's January and it was just this time last year that I decided to ask J to marry me. I had known that I would for a long time but this was the big decision. That resulted in a few months of agonizing over where the money for a very expensive ring would come from and complete dissatisfaction with most of the rings I looked at in the stores. In April I saw the beautiful ring (the one in the box in the picture) at Ted's Creative Jewelers in Southampton and it only took one glance to know it was the right one. So I bought it and the story goes on at the Highlands Inn in the White Mountains of New Hampshire.
Such romantic thoughts, yeah, yeah, but I'm really thinking about it because at the beginning- last year, when I decided to ask her- I had no clue how complicated and expensive this wedding thing would be. And we're pretty simple, as far as weddings go, but I didn't quite realize all the components that go into it and it will be time-consuming and costly. Right now, I'm having a little freak-out session because we really haven't planned much for the last few months after settling the two biggies (ceremony and reception sites), and Bridezilla is falling behind! Eight months! Eight months left! To normal people this may sound like a long time, but to Bridezilla it is the essence of stress! So many things to do. And it really wouldn't be so much if we didn't have to book vendors 6-9 months in advance, but they fill up so quickly that we really have to get on the ball. And save that money!
Done:
Ceremony site (Our UU church)
Reception site (Our favorite restaurant and brewery)
Kate's dress, veil, and big frouffy hoop-slip thingy
To do:
A zillion things the most pressing of which are-
-Find and book charming officiant who won't offend my parents
-Book photographer (with a deposit that feels like passing a kidney stone)
-Find and buy J's dress
-Find two bridesmaid dresses and figure out how bridesmaid in California can try it on
-Make deposit to reception site and make appointment with chef
-Book hairdresser for four lovely ladies
-On guestlist- find out full addresses and last names of spouses/partners we don't know
-Send out save-the-date cards so people make this their Labor Day destination!
-Book ceremony musicians
-Find and book baker for cake
-Start seeding flower pots (growing our own favors sounded like a good idea last spring)
There's probably more. And way more in the coming months. Enough already!

Wishful bookworm

Well, I'm stealing yet another topic from Trista. I can't help it, she's just so darn full of good ideas! Just a list of 15 things about me and books.
1. The first book I read all by myself was Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss, and I was so excited when I realized I was reading the words for real that I ran into my parents' room and read the whole thing aloud to them.
2. Subsequently arose my inner bookworm and I was hooked on reading all the time. My mom hated to get mad at me about having my nose in a book when I was supposed to be doing chores, but she had to sometimes!
3. I was very proud of my bookcase that I painted purple myself, with almost the whole collection of the Babysitters Club, Anne of Green Gables, and a lot of Nancy Drew.
4. The Anne of Green Gables series are probably the most formative books of my life. I read them all as a little one. They gave me the confidence to be different and dreamy and still keep my self-esteem.
5. My oldest sister was the best gift-giver at the time because she was an English and Education major at college when I was little and she always gave me classic novels for presents- much more interesting than the kid books at the school library. She gave me one of my favorite books of all time, Jane Eyre, when I was 11. She also gave me one of my most formative books, Tess of the D'Urbervilles, when I was 12.
6. Another formative experience for me was reading A Wrinkle in Time and A Wind in the Door, although I was always miffed that the main female character didn't get to do the adventurous things that the male characters got to do. Many a moment since has been spent trying to explain what seeing is to a creature from another dimension who has never heard of the concept.
7. In the sixth grade, my teacher would let me out of class to go to the "reading closet" where they kept all the books they ever used for 6th grade English, and I could read whatever I wanted from there. So I read Animal Farm when I was 11, though I didn't understand what it was about.
8. Jr. High ruined my reading experience because suddenly there was so much homework and assigned reading to do that I didn't have time for pleasure reading anymore. I haven't read much for myself since. I resent this.
9. In the 9th grade, I was very proud for being one of the only students to answer our English teacher's question- about who affects us the most- by saying the characters in the books we read. Most people only said parents and friends. The teacher gave me a prize. Ms. Siegmann. She was cool.
10. Our high school started with 10th grade, and I was so excited that I was then allowed to choose what English courses I wanted to take, instead of the general classes we had to take before. I felt really lucky because the next year they instituted "10th grade English". How boring! I immediately took Shakespeare.
11. The next semester I went from our loosey-goosey Shakespeare teacher to Mr. Newton's (the man who does not give an A) AP Major Writers course that starts with Chaucer. His comments on my first paper- "Nice intro. Nice conclusion. No content." I worked my butt off for that guy and I credit him with teaching me how to write in one really hard semester. I continued to take his classes as much as possible after that.
12. Though its collection of GLBT related books consisted of one novel, my high school library probably saved my life with that one book. There was no information- nothing, nada, zip- on GLBT identity or issues in Health class or the textbook and I was desperate for information to show me I wasn't crazy. The library had Annie on my Mind, a novel about two high school girls around the 1950s who fall in love- they get found out and also accidentally out two of their teachers- it's not exactly a happy book, but it was a lifeline. I didn't want the librarian to see me check it out, though, and certainly didn't want my parents to see, so I read it in snippets in between class periods. I would sit on the floor in the back corner of the back row of stacks, read as quickly as possible, and put little pieces of paper in to mark my page before putting it back. I hope I wasn't the only queer student to ever discover it there.
13. The intro to Women's Studies at Sweet Briar College brought another of the best books for me- probably the best in non-fiction- The Creation of Patriarchy by Gerda Lerner. Thank you Professor Bart!
14. Other favorite books: Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman, The Awakening by Kate Chopin, The Red Tent by Anita Diamant, Pope Joan, First They Killed My Father by Loung Ung, Assata by Assata Shakur, A Severed Head by Iris Murdoch, Manifesta by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards, Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg, My Dangerous Desires by Amber Hollibaugh, The Best Democracy Money Can Buy by Greg Palast, Book of Shadows by Phyllis Curott, Foxfire by Joyce Carol Oates. I'll think of more later, I'm sure.
15. Currently reading: A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn. Now that I've graduated, I am wishing to return to my bookwormy days of old.

Ooof

We did it! J and I have moved to Greenfield. Last week was all packing and moving and I had no idea we own so much stuff! Unpacking is moving along pretty well, but trying to install our new bathroom fixtures has been kicking my butt today. I love our new apartment, though, and Greenfield is a cool little town. It has the personality and artiness of Northampton without all the rich people. Which is good considering the ever-skyrocketing housing costs in Noho- I predict a major shift in the lesbian population of Western Massachusetts- Greenfield is it!