Joy to the world!

Clarisse and Lucinda are married! Our dear friends tied the knot yesterday in the most beautiful wedding I've ever had the honor of attending. The ceremony was quietly amazing and incredibly moving, with a single classical guitar to accompany, family and friends there to support them, and the two beautiful brides we love. Apparently I've turned out to be a wedding-crier. I cried the whole damn time, start to finish. You'd think it was my kid's wedding, with all the tears and sniffles. It's ok, though- I'm a tears-of-joy kind of girl. I'm also a wake-up-at-3AM-having-a-panic-attack-about-my-own-ceremony-because-its-two-months-away-and-we-haven't-planned-hardly-a-whit-of-it-and-how-in-the-world-are-we-going-to-create-something-that-beautiful-and-amazing-how-how-how kind of girl. Back to the drawing board!

Whee!

Welcome baby Hannah! Two more new moms!

Now I'm really worried.

About the lone straight couple at our foster-parent-training class. Remember a few posts ago where I was worried about dealing with homophobic crap at the class and then we got there and 3 out of 4 couples are same-sex couples? Well, last night was the second-to-last class, called "Panel Night" where a panel of important voices was brought in to talk to us. I was killing myself trying not to laugh- the presenter on multicultural issues in foster care- lesbian. The Family Resource Liason- lesbian. The foster teen- queer. 3 out of 6 presenters. Wow. I really, really, really love the Happy Valley. And I feel really, really bad for that poor unsuspecting straight couple. The multicultural-issues presenter had said something earlier in the night about how we as foster parents who will probably foster children from different cultures than our own, should make a point to go out and "have a minority experience", for example by going to a service at an all-black church in the area or other event at which we would be a minority- just to get a sense of that feeling. So later, the leader of the class said something about same-sex couples in the class, and the straight guy was joking, "so, does this count for my minority experience?" We all had a good laugh. Yes, my friend, yes it does.

Victory lap

Nine hours of designing, printing, measuring, cutting, trimming, embossing, grommeting, decorating, addressing and stamping... and the invites are done! Pretty much anyway- we still have to buy more ribbon to finish them, find a few addresses, and do the postage. But it counts! And thank you so much to all the members of the assembly line today! Mom, Sister S, to-be-bro-in-law T, and my lovely J- what a team! I'd show the inside, but I can't seem to get an unblurry picture of it, so I can only share some of the words.

"Two lives, two hearts,

joined together in friendship,

united forever in love."

It's starting...

So J and I had a date tonight. One of those times we insert in our busy schedule to have quality time for just the two of us. And it started out great! Dinner at our favorite restaurant, where the turkey burger and roasted potatoes send me to Cloud 9 every time. That should have been followed by something like a movie or a show or even a board game at home. You know, togetherness. What we actually did? Went shopping and bought those three things up there. Like I said, it's starting already. That's ok, though, because now we get to go out again to make sure we have a real date. More QT!

Double whammy

Yesterday J and I both attended a training suggested by our employer (a crisis/outreach/dayhab/therapy mental health agency) about treatment of sexually abused children. That was an hour and a half. In the evening we had our 5th foster-parent-training class, and this week's topic was foster parenting children who have been sexually abused or who have witnessed domestic violence- two hefty, difficult subjects. That was three hours. I definitely learned a lot of valuable info, but both of those in the same day was tough- almost five hours of tough stuff. I think we both feel slightly more equipped to handle those things, though.
`Not sure I can handle this weekend, though! Today, work all day, work at second job after, take J out for a blessed two hours of peace. Saturday, design our wedding invitations once and for all and print the printed part, then clean the house like mad for several hours. Sunday, we participate in the Muscular Dystrophy Association's Stride-N-Ride all morning, and then go actually make our invitations afterward. Busy-busy-busy. And the reason we'll be cleaning the house like mad tomorrow? We scheduled the first visit of our homestudy for Monday! Why doesn't anybody stop me when I do things like that? See y'all on the other side... of this crazy weekend, that is.

Thanks to Addition Problems for clueing me in about today! This is a thinking-day for me, about life as a lesbian social worker getting married to her partner in just three months (eek!) and trying to become a foster parent. J and I are so excited about our upcoming wedding- it's taken on a life of its own over the last year of planning, and as things start to come together now, and there is less to do, the reality of the cementing of our life into a family is starting to sink in. I'm going to be her wife. And it's exciting and joyous and wonderful and freaks me the hell out!

Occasionally the ugly world sticks its nose where it doesn't belong, though, and I'm reminded that even though we'll be an amazingly strong and loving family and even though we have support from people who care about us, our little family will be an island in many ways. We'll be left out of society's image and protection and have to fight against invisibility and attacks. I experienced a little of both today at work. Though I don't actively talk about myself with co-workers, I don't lie when something about my family comes up. While training a new social worker today, it came up- she was considering Smith College for grad school and my partner had just graduated from that program last year, and had even followed a similar path to it as this new worker- through the Air Force, then to community college, then undergrad through the Francis Perkins program for non-traditional-age students, and finally grad school at Smith. We talked about it for a few minutes and though J's status as my partner was clear, this new worker called her my "roommate" and continued to call her such for the rest of the day. Invisibility can be annoying and in a larger sense, deadly. My family, small and insignificant as it is, should be recognized with respect for what it is- a family.

Later, after getting out of a meeting with DSS regarding the custody of her child, a client got into my car for a ride home and spewed derogatory words about the child's foster mother because she is a lesbian. Followed by the "I have no problem with it, but..." that I so often hear before or after someone says something offensive. As a person with feelings and a life, I hated hearing those words, and it particularly bothered me because J and I will be foster parents in just a few months. Put in a weak or painful position, many parents with children in foster care put down their child's foster parents in order to feel better about themselves- ignoring the facts of neglect, abuse, or substance abuse in their own lives that make them unable to parent. LGBT parents can and do make great parents, regardless of their sexual orientation, but they become an easy target for insults, especially when somebody needs a scapegoat. As a social worker, I usually don't correct or confront my client's about moments like this- I'm there to help people with homelessness, substance abuse, mental crisis, financial ruin, domestic violence and conflict, and struggles in parenting, among many other problems, and I think they have enough on their plates without having to confront their prejudices immediately. Still, it stinks to help people who have such unkind words for others, based on all kinds of stupid criteria, and hold my tongue. I just hope that someday, with my help and the help of many other providers, each one may be able to get to a stable enough place where they don't have to put others down to puff themselves up.

That being said about my clients, nobody else has an excuse for not supporting equality. The world is made up of people who are so diverse in so many ways. To deny the need for equality is to deny the reality of the world. All families deserve to be seen for what they are- families. All families deserve to be able to protect each other and their relationships- through equal protection of the law and economic justice. I should be able to marry J and have that marriage respected everywhere we go. We should be recognized as equal and (I hope) really good parents when the time comes. As we will declare in just a few months at our wedding- we are family!