Update

For those who are interested to know, there is a brief update to "Calling all good vibes," two posts down from here.

Daddy's girls

Christmas with the family was great. Especially with our ever-more emancipated Dad- this formerly taciturn and frequently surly burly man is now getting so expressive that he walked around the living room, arms kafloogling, saying ooooooooooh, demonstrating "haunted house" in a game of Cranium Hoopla. This after wearing around the beret my brother-in-law gave him as a joke gift. This after making much ado about his gift to us three daughters- the book Daddy's Girl and sweatshirt to go with it. Now, I like this gift and have no qualms considering myself daddy's girl, but the triplets pictures mom insisted on were a little much!

Calling all good vibes

Please send your good vibes and positive thoughts this way for my friend who is facing a tough weekend with her folks- she came out to them and told them about her girlfriend last month- since then her parents have gone a little crazy and really aren't being good parents right now (think harassment, spying, meanness, calling various people who know her, somehow scouting out personal information about her girlfriend, etc.) She's going home tomorrow for Christmas and apparently the `rents are staging some kind of ambush or intervention or really awful weekend. She's got an escape plan in the works and I brought over my entire arsenal of books and movies about GLBT stuff and coming out today and we talked, but she's still going to have a lot to deal with- so please send your safety and sane-parents intentions out into the world. A little sister needs them!

----update----

Well, she made it. Safe and sound and back at home now. Apparently it was pretty bad- her mom and dad were pretty miserable and insisted on talking about it all the time, offering her scads of money to break up with her girlfriend and move back with them, suggesting that she go to some kind of "conversion" therapy, and making an appointment for their priest to come over (fortunately, he couldn't make it at the last minute). They will hopefully chill out after a while, and she's got lots of great friends and a wonderful girlfriend and the library I brought over with me last week, so keep those happy thoughts coming!

"Kate B****'s Queerness"

That would be me (imagine full name)- and there is indeed a play about my queerness. Actually it's not about me or my queerness, but while having some fun with Google, I discovered that there was a play called "Kate B****'s Queerness" by Mary Austin, published in 1905, about a woman who must hide her married status because her husband is disabled and cannot work and if she were known to be married at that time, she would be fired and they would have no livelihood. The title was hilarious, though, and there is this queer little passage from it: "For some time Mrs. B**** [the title character's mother] had been troubled by a misgiving, and it was so new to her complacency that she did not know quite what to do with it. The misgiving took the form of a suspicion that her eldest daughter might be doing something queer. Everything not directly within the pale of Mrs. Bixby's activities that was not absolutely immoral was 'queer'..." So maybe it's really about my mother?

Happy Solstice!

Cozying up on the longest night of the year, vigiling for the rebirth of the sun, I'm wishing you all joy for this wonderful holiday season and a happy new year!

The Iceberg

I know some of you may hate the idea of ice right now, but this is important. And much related to the previous post, inspired by another part of what Trista was writing about recently, about how the subtle heterosexism of some of our family members and other well-meaning people is related to the violent homophobia that erupts into sensational news stories about murder. Trista has a neat drawing showing these widely varying kinds of heterosexism at the ends of separate tendrils of a Kudzu plant- very different but still part of the same plant (an invasive species that has damaged flora in the Southern U.S. and proven extremely difficult to control/reduce). So, this brought to mind one of the main elements of anti-violence work that I was learning about in a class at UMass this fall about violence prevention and intervention.
We are often bewildered by the extreme examples of violence that make oppression glaringly obvious now and then- the man Trista wrote about who murdered his 3-year old because he was afraid he might turn out gay, the crucifixion of Matthew Shepard, the dragging of James Byrd, KKK rallies that seem to spring up out of nowhere in otherwise nice towns- but these things don't just spring out of nowhere. They have a history and a build-up, predicated on the oppressions in our society, contributed to by what we as individuals do (or more often don't intervene in) that make some people "less than" others- less human, less real- an idea that makes violence against them more acceptable (and more likely). In our class this was put into the image of an iceberg- we only see the tip, the top 10% of the iceberg (the extreme, sensational examples of physical and sexual violence) while we don't see the 90% of the iceberg that is submerged (the violence supportive parts of oppression that go unnoticed and unchallenged most of the time- verbal, visual, emotional, and psychological). I can't seem to figure out how to upload the drawing, but the point is that the little things are supporting the big things, and so we all have to own up to the ways in which we have contributed to this iceberg. The hopeful thing about it is that since the support for violence in our society is in the smaller, daily injustices, we all have the opportunity to effect a difference for the better- by doing our best to confront our own prejudices and by speaking up as empowered bystanders when we see them elsewhere, from the dinner table to Congress to the workplace to the streets.

Ho Ho Homophobia

Trista has a really great discussion going about homophobia, queers raising kids, and standing up to our own families' ignorance. So, this has me thinking about many things- maybe this will actually be a few different posts. The first part, about whether we as a lesbian couple should feel badly about wanting to have kids because homophobia and heterosexism might be hard for them, really bugs me. All kids run into some kind of bullying at some point- anything from teasing to legal discrimination- and the ones who fare the worst are the ones whose families don't provide them with the emotional support and critical thinking skills to see through all that. Those with loving and supportive families generally do well. This is exemplified all too well in the stories of many GLBT teens who don't have family support due to homophobia, transphobia, and heterosexism, and who lose their childhoods and sometimes their lives because of it. Opposition to same-sex parenting based on the supposed concern over the possible difficulties in the lives of kids of same-sex parents seems to me to be a disguise for two things- not holding people responsible for their prejudices (of all kinds), and trying to get away from our responsibility as a society to protect GLBT kids in particular from the damages of homophobic/transphobic family life. This all inspired the rant below, largely a description of my experience as a lesbian girl, which was actually my comment to Trista's post.

"That stuff drives me crazy, too, especially from my parents- not surprisingly the people who have hurt me the most in my life, though they have loved me and tried hard, especially in the last couple of years. As straight and heterosexist parents, they provided me with zero knowledge about anything but straight sexuality. So, as a lesbian girl I couldn't imagine what my future would be, and I experienced internalized homophobia that really destroyed my mental health for all of my tween and teen years. I was harassed at school during that time, but I wasn't so much hurt as angry about that, and I started a Gay-Straight Alliance in response. The pain I remember is from the fear of my parents' rejection and the void that was the future in my imagination, because no one let me know that I could have one. When I finally came out, my parents rejected me and we had no relationship for more than two years, some of the worst emotional trauma I've known. I have always felt that homophobia from society and my peers was not what hurt me as a child and young woman- it was my fear of (and later experience of) my parents' rejection that hurt me. This is true now, as ever- the homophobia of others doesn't really phase me- I am still frequently amazed by my thick skin- but my parents still have the ability to shake me with their now-much-disguised homophobia. It isn't so much society or peers that hurt children who are or live with parents who are not white, straight, middle/upper class, Christian, without disability, etc. After all, careful parents have been raising strong and happy children to see through the prejudices placed upon them for generations upon generations- one of the best examples of which might be the careful parents of children of color in our particularly racist society here in the U.S. who have worked to strengthen their children and help them to see racism for the set of lies that it is, and to see the truth of their own value. It is society that needs to change, this is true. But it is parents (of any race, gender, sexual orientation, class, religion, ability, etc) who can fulfil the needs of their children by being the most empowering parents they can be. And to quote Sadie F. Dingfelder's review of 30 years of research into the topic: "Patterson's and others' findings that good parenting, not a parent's sexual orientation, leads to mentally healthy children may not surprise many psychologists. What may be more surprising is the finding that children of same-sex couples seem to be thriving, though they live in a world that is often unaccepting of their parents."

Finals week agony

Absolutely must get 118 points on my last final- physics- or no graduation for me. Tommorrow! 1:30pm! Eeek!

...update....

146! Woo! That's my low estimate, based on what I know I got right, and there will be a curve, too, so yay! That's what I call a Bachelor's degree, folks. Done. And I don't usually curse in writing, but just because I've been waiting to say it for years...

Kiss my ass, UMass!

Kiss it goodbye, because it's the only part you're gonna see as I'm high-tailin' it into the sunset. Now I can finally sing along truthfully with the Indigo Girls, "I spent four years [or five or six] prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper, and I was free-e-e-e!" Of course, this is UMass we're talking about, so they're not going to get around to mailing me my diploma for four months, but that's ok. `Cause I'm done. And so happy! Yay!

"Should I stay or should I go" to my daughter's wedding... What?!?!

So, a few months ago, my mother told me that she and my father might not attend my wedding. We had just met up at Bed Bath & Beyond so that we could hang out and so that I could go shopping for my friends' wedding that was coming up- their registry was online, but I wanted to see the items myself at the store. We finished shopping and headed over to a bookstore. I mentioned that J and I were registered at Linens N Things but hadn't put anything on it, yet, and that we would be going shopping for my dress again in a couple of weeks when J's family arrived for her graduation from social work school. She had a mini-breakdown and said she "wasn't sure if she and my father could come" and some other pretty heterosexist things over teary tea in the bookstore's cafe, things started going downhill even more when it began sinking in for me that she was actually, really, truly thinking about not coming to my wedding, and then I decided I had to leave. Things were pretty tense in the parking lot, and I don't remember what else I said, but she told me (again) not to spend too much money on the wedding, and then finished my sentence for me when I retorted that if she's not coming, I don't want to hear her assvice.
It's not like I hadn't anticipated this turn of events. Even though when I announced the engagement a couple of months prior she had managed to eek out a "congratulations" (after 20 minutes of nitpicking) and then offered some money towards the wedding. Even though she and my father really like J, a lot, meaning my father hugs her when we leave their house- and my dad doesn't hug just anybody. Even though J comes to Christmas and Thanksgiving and dinner usually once a month and actually listens to my father inform her about things like "digital photography on the internet" for 2 and 1/2 hours at a time, and is in many other ways a welcome part of the family. Still, my parents have had a hard time with the whole gay thing for almost 4 years now, and even though I know they are so much better than before (when we hardly spoke for 2 years), my mom's annoucement was in my head before and it shouldn't have surprised me.
I don't know if it was surprising, but I do know that I was way more upset about it than I thought I would be. Many a stern lecture had I prepared myself with about not letting them ruin my wedding-planning year, about letting them work out their own crap in their own time, and about once and for all not tying my emotional health up in knots over their approval. Of course, I knew I would be hurt if they wouldn't come, but I didn't know that it would weigh with excruciating heaviness on my mind and heart every second for the next 30 sleepless hours until I broke down and called them. She had said she didn't know if they "could" do it (come to their youngest child's wedding, which will only happen once, and which will damage your relationship with her irrevocably if you don't). I needed to know if she had made up her mind and reminded her that I know this has been difficult for her, but this year is my year and this wedding is my day ( not for anyone else), and she said that she knew and had thought of that since we last talked and that she would be there. She didn't know about my dad, though. I asked her to tell him I needed an answer soon, like by tomorrow, because this was driving me crazy. She said not to push it, he was still pretty unhappy. A few days later I got an e-mail from my mother saying dad would be there with her, "as they have always walked side-by-side".
So, that stank. We have had regular fights over their rejections and my unwillingness to let them slide for a long time now, and we usually stay away for a couple of weeks or so and then act like it never happened and things get back to normal and friendly. This time, though, it stayed with me for two or three months. I just couldn't feel genuine with them after that. Every conversation was an effort for me because I just felt betrayed all the time. And I have to admit I resented that my mother didn't call me for a few weeks in the middle there- she usually calls every week or so- ah, the unreasonable blame we heap upon our mothers. She's a great woman and I love her more than I could possibly say and she's done so much for me and she's my mom. And Dad? Well, he's another long story, but we love each other, too, and he's a huge boatload better at telling us than he used to be. We're family, for better or worse.
And they're coming. Whew. Good thing, because S was threatening to open up a big can of middle-child whoop-ass on them if they didn't cut it out. Such a good sister!

Bridezilla returns!

Bring me my wedding! Now! Arrrrgh!

A degree in dishes?

Always the "early feminist", I was the one who argued with the macho boys in our 6th grade "round table" on gender roles (my teacher still has a recording of this), the one who personified Elizabeth Blackwell (first female M.D. in the US) for 4th grade History Day, the one who co-created a play on Elizabeth Cady Stanton (and the first women's rights convention in the U.S.) for high school History Day, the one who got mad at her big sister (14 years my senior) for changing her name when she got married, the one who called out English and History teachers on the complete lack of women in their curricula, one of the few whose moms did take-your-daughter-to-work-day, the one who painted "feminism" in giant green letters on her bedroom wall (much to her feminist mother's chagrin), the only teenager I know of who read Ms. magazine religiously (and later covered her college dorm door with Ms. clippings and other feminist stuff). I certainly never imagined myself as a housewife. Not once. Never even imagined not working full-time or more. But here I am. And I know there are perfectly feminist ways to be a housewife- I'm an effing lesbian housewife for God's sake and not for long- but still I feel a little weird. Inadequate in some way.
Not that this is unwanted, really. I'm unemployed because I wanted to finish my degree this fall. This is also a large part of the weirdness- after working full-time and going to school full-time (every other semester) for three years and being totally self-sufficient, this sanity and support thing is a little hard to get used to. But also, just this summer I remember saying to J that I really wished I could work half-time, but that that would be unsustainable because of money. Now that it might be sustainable, oh the possibilities!
A half schedule would put me back in the realm of waged women, but I find that many women I have read or spoken with who work part-time still describe themselves as stay-at-home-moms or housewives. Somehow, I think I'd feel the same. Even though what I hope I would do should also be a primary identity or work- write, invest more in my tiny business, earn a second bachelor's degree, etc. In addition to wanting to raise kids and a true desire to keep a decently clean house. Ok, I have to admit- the kids are really the most driving force, though- what I really hope for the most in a half-time schedule is that we would be able to be parents sooner and easier.
Perhaps the weirdness is only the limbo of looming finals, moving in three weeks, and wondering what is going to happen when life as a student finally ends (at least for now). I think I'm going to like whatever it is, especially if the half-time thing works out, but I'll definitely have to piss off the radical right a little more every day in order to emphasize that I'm still a card-carrying, tree-hugging, goddess-worshipping, lesbian-lovin', Feminist- capital F. Even in a big, poofy wedding dress.

Me in my dress, matching veil, and the very expensive tiara that is not mine. This was on one of our dress shopping trips at David's Bridal in Manchester, CT. This is my favorite wedding picture so far. And we're still ten months away! I can feel the photo-avalanche coming on. Should I be concerned about the overpowering urge for scrapbooking?

For my veteran...

Today is Veteran's Day, and while I am remembering our soldiers and Iraqi and Afghanistani citizens who have died in the war, I also want to say a special thanks to my vet. She served in the Air Force, right after high school, and stayed for two years. She came out much the worse for it. She is one of the admirable people who devoted part of her life to our nation and I am so proud and grateful for her selflessness, as I am to my father who served in the Air Force during the Vietnam war, and to my brother-in-law who served in the Navy. Her service to country is just one of the many things that make her such a wonderful, divine, loving person, and just one of the things that make me want to be more like her. Eventually, she knew she could not stay under the constant threat of persecution for being gay and in service. She left quietly and kept her honorable discharge by doing so of her own accord. Many are not so lucky. For those who choose to serve their country regardless of the danger of persecution, they serve in silence, their families are ignored, and they risk jail time, dishonorable discharge (and it's loss of voting rights and impact on jobs among other things), "exploratory surgeries" (as happened to my vet's cousin), and physical abuse. I believe this country betrays servicemembers like mine and thus betrays itself. I continue to work to end this kind of brutality and discrimination within our military, all the while mindful of how incredibly grateful I am to be able to call this veteran mine and that she is alive today.

My kind of faith-based initiative

The writer of the distasteful yet funny "ungrateful dyke" comment on Butch Baby Makin' (look under the post on Disney) sent me on a fun goose-chase. I am usually amused by the sites behind such hateful comments, as they are often some combination of absurdity, logical missteps, and the inevitably annoying graphics. Unfortunately, it seems there has been a bit of URL fraud, and the lady whose website is indicated by the comment is apparently not the writer of the comment. Still, she and I differ greatly when it comes to faith and equality. I have decided to show some faith-based initiative and find as many things as possible that this conservative, born-again Christian and I have in common or that I can truly appreciate. Hold onto your seats, because this list is way longer than I thought it would be!
1) Though I do not share her beliefs, I think her "Statement of Faith" is written with confidence and her lifelong attempt to adhere to such a statement is admirable. Thus, I have decided to write one of my own.
2)She is "married to a man who understands [her] moods". I am engaged to a woman who understands my moods. I agree with her, this is "rare indeed".
3)I, too am "a dreamer in my spare time", though I do not have much of it!
4)She finds foul language disgusting and annoying in the extreme. Though I don't mind it for especial emphasis occasionally, I do think people use it in excess and find useless profanity annoying. For me, this led to the conclusion that "The Catcher in the Rye" is an awful book only famous for its swearing every other word.
5)After my last experience, I think I may also be "terrified of dentists".
6)"I was not popular in high school (at least by what the popular people would consider popular) and always took up for the underdog." I was constantly outcast as the class lesbian (though I was not out, even to myself), but eventually that inspired me and I started a Gay-Straight Alliance to make our school a safer place for the underdogs.
7)We share a deep appreciation for Lucille Ball.
8)"I am a conservative dresser who took heed of my mother's assertion that there's a big difference between being sexy and being cheap."
10)We love spinach.
11)I also think "Survivor is a dumb show", though I do not watch Eco-Challenge.
12)She wants to read ten literary classics. I have read 10 such classics. Now my goal is to read ten banned books.
13)Her husband is her best friend. My partner is my best friend.
14)"I believe that ADHD is a real illness, but is overly diagnosed by doctors and teachers" who have trouble dealing with "the individual spirits that make our kids who they are". She really put it well there, though I want to be clear that there are indeed kids and adults with ADHD, but I have a real problem with the frequency with which the diagnosis is used and with the harsh side-effects of the prescribed drugs while many Western medics won't consider other solutions.
15)"I believe Cosmopolitan and other such magazines are partly responsible for eating disorders."
16)"I have never seen the inside of a jail cell, nor has anyone in my family." I've been thinking about this lately, as I think it's high time for some civil disobediance. The Vermont Yankee Nuclear plant is probably going to get approval for it's dangerous hike in output and extension past its expiration date, putting 7,000 people at the risk of death should the plant have a melt-down. Those 7,000 include my parents. This is not ok.
17)She wrote a book as a kid and has never heard from the publisher she sent it to. When I was about 14, I sent a short story to a kid/teen literary magazine, and they rejected it, and I never tried again.
18)She is afraid of bumble bees. I have a major phobia of all bees.
19)Though I'd never thought about it before, I would have to say my favorite classic movie is also "The Sound of Music".
20)Her grandparents build a motel. Mine built a lakeside camp.
21)She hates flying over the ocean, but wants to go to Europe. I am absolutely terrified (won't go, won't go, won't go) of flying over the ocean! My partner wants to go there for our honeymoon, and I would too (including the Netherlands where my ancestors are from and where we could be legally married- again!)
22)"I hope my friends love me enough to tell me the truth when I'm wrong".
23)"I love to debate and do it as often as possible. It has gotten me into trouble a few times, but I just can't seem to help myself." One can't attend dinner in my family without a rousing political debate, and I love it. This scares some people until they get to know us better.
24)She believes that "sex offenders can never be rehabilitated or trusted again." I wonder about this, but I can't say I disagree. My life has been deeply affected by the experiences of my loved ones who are survivors of rape and other sexual assault. It is difficult for me to talk about and I have such feelings of helplessness and inadequacy when it comes to justice for this- though I want to be more magnanimous, my most angry and merciless feelings are reserved for the ones who attacked my loved ones.
25) In contrast, we believe in miracles.
26)"I'd like to know whose bright idea it was to name plumbing parts `male' and `female'."
27)She wants to "someday solve the mystery as to why people think Christians and doormats are synonymous". I would like to someday solve the mystery as to why some people think women, blacks, latinos, asians, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgender folk, single mothers, teen mothers, the disabled, the poor and working class, people of various faiths or philosophies, democrats, the Constitution, etc. are synonymous with doormats. My Women's Studies Department is helping me figure that one out right now.
28)"I simply cannot understand the multitudes of people who are now getting plastic surgery." I wholeheartedly agree. Though I think people should do what they want, I don't get it either.
29)"I firmly believe that no one can provoke you to anger unless you allow them to." I think there is a time and place and expression for anger, and that it can be sacred, but this is a good mantra that I try to keep when it comes to zealots.
30)She does not allow her kids to wear "pants large enough to house several people." I also find this trend ridiculous, and though I suppose I will allow my kids to wear what they want, if they do this I will have to point out the obvious.
31)"My dream house would be a small, cottage style house in the mountains, alive with meadows of wildflowers and clean country air." She already owns such a house. I wish!
32)She has taught her kids "to be kind to the less fortunate and to give from their need and not their surplus." I think this is a very noble value indeed.
33)She thinks it is important to be tolerant of other people and their religions or lack thereof. Though I don't think she exactly adheres to this principle in all she writes, I agree with it and try to live as respectfully as possible of others' faiths.
34)She quotes from Proverbs, Chapter 4: "An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels." I aspire to many of the qualities of the wife described in this book of the Bible. Who knew? I am so lucky that my partner will indeed be such "an excellent wife" to me.
35)We love Sundays, lit fireplaces, hot cocoa, good movies, family dinners, traveling, crafting, the outdoors, decorating, gardening, and probably lots of other things.
36)She courageously started her own business and is doing well with it. I aspire to start my own business.
37)"I truly believe that God commanded us to love, because love covers a multitude of things and can change the unchangeable and penetrate the impenetrable because God IS the essence of love. Love bridges the gap. To be loved is man's greatest desire. You will never bring someone to understanding without love." Though we really differ on our concept of divinity, and also seem to differ on what exactly constitutes love, we both believe that love is the true divine and the aspiration of human life.
I am glad to have done this exercise. It has been time-consuming and though I usually find it troubling to read the words of people who dislike me for who I am (often religious conservatives), I feel very different about this one. I think it truly helps everyone to do their absolute best to find their common ground and work toward understanding from there. Sometimes it's not possible, but this time, at least for me, it was possible, and I feel the better for it.

Social Worker Trumps Godawful GOP

Ah, if only this were true anywhere but in my personal life. I was totally infuriated today after spending an evening in my Social Welfare class, discussing Wal-Mart and outsourcing as they affect U.S. workers and our economy in general, in addition to a short video about Wal-Mart and it's suppliers in China. My not-so-favorite classmate came right out there at the end saying that Wal-Mart is just "doing it right", and that $100 a month might be "a little low" (for the Chinese workers in the video) but not that bad, and that if U.S. workers don't like the conditions and pay at Wal-Mart they should just work somewhere else, and that Wal-Mart isn't doing anything illegal so you can't really blame them for how they do business, after all this is America. This was just a few seconds before the end of the seminar period, but I managed to shoot back that just because it's not illegal doesn't mean it's ethical (not to mention their activities that are clearly illegal that we just discussed from the class reading). One of my truly favorite classmates pointed out that "it used to be legal to own black people, too", but (I hope) he knows that wasn't "doing it right". I didn't get to talk about how sick it is that the corporation's stockholder meeting (on our video) consisted of hundreds of people so elated by their huge profit margins that they chanted, stamped and grunted in unison, and shimmied altogether, knowing that their fat pockets were lined by the severe exploitation and complete degradation of the lives of more than a million of their own employees and millions more working in sweatshops across the developing world. Sick. Sick and wrong.
I had a good time ranting and raving about this guy and his Republican politics to my lovely girlfriend when she came to pick me up, in addition to my misery over having accidentally chosen to do a group presentation with this guy- trumped by the VERY GOOD NEWS- my girl is officially licensed to practice social work in Massachusetts! She got her letter today, and will get her wallet-size license in the mail soon. Now if only that glamorous social work job would come along... Regardless, she's very excited and I'm very excited and happy for her. Such an accomplished young lady!

"I'd like people to say I'm a person who always wanted to be free and wanted it not only for myself; freedom is for all human beings." Rosa Parks

I feel saddened and inspired anew, thinking about the death of one of the world's most influential and dedicated activists, Rosa Parks. Her passing was particularly poignant, having recently been discussing the work of Parks and the other women who launched the Montgomery bus boycott with my Women's Studies class on African-American women in the civil rights movement. It weighed on the class Tuesday, along with the death of Vivian Jones last week. I am glad to see that the re-creation of Parks after her death seems to be at least slightly more accurrate than her usual representation in the last several decades, where she was frequently depicted as a tired woman who refused to give up her bus seat to a white man because her feet hurt. Some reporters seem to be finally acknowledging her for the true activist she was. From being one of the first people in her area to join the NAACP, to her time spent at the Highlander Folk School, to her leadership as secretary and youth leader of her local NAACP chapter, Parks was a dedicated leader and torch-bearer for the civil rights movement. Likewise, it is important to remember the contributions of other women who aren't acknowledged as leaders in the movement. Without the leadership, daring, and organization of Jo Ann Robinson and the Women's Political Council, it is likely that Parks' arrest would have gone by only noticed by her local African-American community, not the whole country. There were women who came before her, suffering for refusing to give up their seats, and women fighting other particular struggles elsewhere, like Vivian Jones and the desegregation of the University of Alabama. Like so many of the most important and effective moments and actions of the Civil Rights Movement, women were the leaders and creators who brought the boycott to life. Rosa Parks and Vivian Jones were two of the many remarkable, accomplished, and hugely important leaders in the Movement, and they'll be missed.

Photo problems

Trying my darndest to get this photo thing working, but it may take a little while. Sorry for the delay!

What I really need.

At the suggestion of the writer of Butch Baby Makin', I've looked up "Kate needs" on google. Things I never knew!
I need:
-a shave.
- to trust Angel.
- to be hooked up!
-soooo need to get burned.
- a new storyline and a life of my own.
- your help.
- to continue to develop my skills.
- to explore my innermost nature.
- to leave everyone alone and mind my own business!
Whoa. Sorry everybody, if I've been butting in! Just a fun exercise for the day. I guess I'd better go attend to that shave... ;)

Rules of marriage and physics

The degree to which one physics class can obliterate the rest of one's life is truly amazing. Blogging was just one of the casualties. Having memorized as many applications of the all-important equation F=ma and plunked them down on at least 80% of the questions on my exam (woo! so much better than I thought), I'm enjoying popping up to the surface.
A much belated Thank You!!! to the Massachusetts legislature, especially the 115 members who voted against the proposed anti-marriage amendment because they know that voting no was the right thing to do. To clarify the future for all those confused by this process:
Two of our legislators proposed the amendment that was just defeated, so it required more than half the legislature to vote for it, two sessions in a row, to send it to the ballot. The legislature narrowly passed it the first time, and just defeated it by a landslide the second time, so it's gone.
There is an initiative petition in progress, requiring 65,825 signatures to be sent to the legislature. This amendment is more extreme than the previous one, eliminating all legal rights for same-sex couples. Since it is on the initiative of citizens (not legislators), only 25% of the legislature (50 members) have to vote for it, two sessions in a row, to send it to the ballot. The earliest this could happen would be 2008.
If the (paid) petitioners get the required signatures (it is likely they will), we would need 150 legislators to vote against it. Right now, we know we have 115 allies. That means we would need 36 more legislators to confirm that they are on the side of equality and vote against it.
Our only other possibility it that the Senate President, Robert Travaglini, has the power to open and immediately close a constitutional convention so that an amendment will not be voted on and thus disappear. Tom Birmingham did just that in 2002 when he held the post. Travaglini was one of the original two co-sponsors of the no-marriage-but-civil-unions proposal that was just defeated. His other co-sponsor, Brian Lees, voted against it the second time around, but Travaglini voted for it both times. I don't know if we know whether he would rather support completely stripping thousands of married couples of their legal rights than support full equality for them. I guess we'll just have to see.
In the meantime, if you see any petition-gatherers outside your place of worship or a store you go to, please do approach the table and see if they are doing multiple petitions at once, and if you really want to get into it, feign interest and see if they try to confuse you. They get paid more for the anti-marriage petition signatures than for the other petitions they are doing, and may try to slip in the anti-marriage petition (labeled Petition K) for another one they've just told you about. If you notice multiple petitions going, and especially if you witness any shenanigans, please report it to http://www.massequality.org/.
Despite the pressures of legal hoopla and physics agony, I still find time to do the bride thing. Nothing could have stopped me from picking up my dress early last week (wayyyyy ahead of when they said it would be in. woohoo!) My beautiful dress and veil and my rediculous looking hoop-slip are now in my bedroom, shining away gloriously. Also, last Sunday, Josi and I officially joined the congregation of the Unitarian Universalist Society of Northampton and Florence, where we will be married next year. Unless, of course, I get my way and we have it outdoors. We shall see! We'll be getting up early to go to the UU in the morning and celebrate Yom Kippur. I've never done that before, so I'm looking forward to an interesting adventure!

Conducting our blooming...

Today is six days before the Massachusetts legislature will decide whether or not to put the marriages of 6500 couples, and my right to be married next year, on the November 2006 ballot for voters to decide to allow or to reduce to civil unions. Today is also one day after the Attorney General of Massachusetts, Tom Reilly, decided to accept an illegal initiative petition to put an even more extreme anti-family amendment on the 2008 ballot, to take all of these rights away- no marriages, no civil unions, just danger.
The most infuriating thing about these is the pompous arrogance of anyone who really thinks that my wedding should be anyone's decision but mine. How utterly disrespectful for my neighbor- my equal- to cast a vote on my right to marry. No matter what my neighbor's opinion, the act of voting on my personal life is an irrevocable act of disrespect. Not that I don't fully expect my fair-minded friends to go out there and vote against the damn thing, but I really hate being reduced to the level of a child whose decisions are usually made by others- adults who are deemed more capable than they. This is what makes me want to scream louder- I AM NOT A SECOND-CLASS CITIZEN!
Anxiety so easily takes over at times like these. What's my solution to right-wing aggression and hate-mongering? More wedding planning! Why not go where the endless streams of glitter and tulle fabric seem to flow? I've got some ideas for how to match Josi's dress to mine, but I think we're going to have to go custom for hers. I've added some new pictures to both albums, Wedding and My girl and I, so please feel free to see! We've got the church now, in addition to the reception, so once we've got the officiant set up we can dive into the wonderful world of making your own everything! (Save-the-dates, invitations, favors, centerpieces, jewelry, guestbook, photo album, thank you notes, accessories, etc, etc... we're gonna be busy;)
"The time cracks into furious flower. Lifts its face all unashamed. And sways in wicked grace. Whose half-black hands assemble oranges is tom-tom hearted (goes in bearing oranges and boom). And there are bells for orphans- and red and shriek and sheen. A garbage man is dignified as any diplomat. Big Bessie's feet hurt like nobody's business, but she stands- bigly- under the unruly scrutiny, stands in the wild seed. In the wild seed she is a citizen, and, in a moment of highest quality, admirable. It is lonesome, yes. For we are the last of the loud. Nevertheless, live. Conduct your blooming in the noise and whip of the whirlwind." Gwendolyn Brooks

Need

To help those in need due to Hurricane Katrina by making a donation, you can go to http://www.redcross.org/. We don't watch much tv, but tonight we got hooked on the hurricane coverage. I was struck by the last sentence of the reporter on the show. He said something about these images not being something we expect to see in America. Is it just him, or have we as a nation gotten so arrogant as to think that we are exempt from natural disasters, too? Fellow citizens are suffering and dying there in the south, and all one reporter can say is that he didn't expect to see it in America? The trouble is that so many of our people live in similarly dire conditions every day due to poverty and oppression and we don't pay attention to them- only to dramatic disasters that thrust the suffering among us into the spotlight. That said, if you want to support young people dealing with our nation's everyday tragedies, in addition to helping the hurricane victims, try http://www.thirdwavefoundation.org/.

Thanks, June.

The other day, while canvassing for MassEquality, I met a woman named June. I was asking people in her neighborhood to sign postcards to their Senator Brian Lees and Representative Gale Candaras, asking them to oppose the proposed constitutional amendment that would take away the right of marriage from same-sex couples at the upcoming constitutional convention. She reminded me a great deal of my mother's mother. Despite her small stature, she is a brash woman of opinion, with a somewhat gravelly voice, and brutal honesty. She interrupted my initial greeting and statement of why I was there, saying (I am paraphrasing) "Well, I think people should just be able to do what they want! It doesn't concern me." It was clear that she didn't know a great deal about my cause, nor did she care about it at all. She obviously thought it was ridiculous that I should be asking her to sign a postcard about somebody else's marriage. Fortunately, she didn't seem to think I was the one being ridiculous, but rather, the people who proposed this amendment who had pushed me to her door, asking a completely disinterested stranger to help me protect my family.
She took my clipboard in, where she and her husband and their two friends were waiting for the Red Sox game to come on the TV. She walked about to different points of the sunroom, debating aloud, not so much with her husband who doesn't support equal marriage, but really with herself. She seemed quite sure that she thought people should just be able to get married if they want to, but was trying to decide whether or not she should sign the postcards. She read the statement of support for equal marriage and wanted to know "why isn't there any place on here that says I think people should just be able to do what they want, and I don't care?" I explained that opposing the amendment is saying just that. She finally decided to sign it, much to the chagrin of her husband, and I'm sure toward a lengthy conversation after I left, saying "well, it's not for me `cause I'm, you know... but if some other people want to, who am I to say they shouldn't?"
I thanked her very much for her time and signatures, and wished everyone a good baseball game, and was on my way. She really made my night. Thinking about her later on, I concluded that she- a person for whom my wedding will not matter a whit- is the most valuable signature I got because she had no reason to spend her time on me and really thought my being at her door was preposterous, but she values the freedom that her country truly stands for and she made her small effort to defend it. So, in return for a really hilarious conversation and her signatures on my clipboard, I'd just like to say thanks to June.

To the happy couples!

Disclaimer: this post is full of sentimental and romantic gushing, so if you're a cynic, then read at your own risk of regaining faith in humanity and love. This evening, Josi and I are going to stay with a couple of dear friends in Boston in order to go to the bridal shower of another pair of friends tomorrow. They bring to mind yet two other couples for whom I care very much and who have recently gotten engaged. These last few months have brought a flurry of engagements and weddings into my life and I want to just offer a little tribute and thanks for their influence.
Lucinda and Clarisse are one of the most inspiring couples I will ever have the honor to meet. Individually, they are fascinating people, each with a wonderful sense of humor and a big heart. I am especially grateful to Lucinda for having been such a wonderful best friend to Josi. Together, Lucinda and Clarisse express such graceful confidence in each other, and their love is so evident and beautiful, that I feel sure that they inspire even strangers to be more loving and kind to their own families. What a wonderful impact they make on the lives of others just by loving each other so well. Their wedding will truly be a blessed day, not just for them and their guests, but for everyone.
Page is one of the people I most admire. Since meeting her, I have observed her devotion to making our world a better place in many ways- not just in protecting our environment or fundraising for great causes, but also in the wise perspective she has on the world and the artful way she imparts that advice to others, and how much she cares for her family and friends. I really can't describe her with justice, here. So, it would be hard to imagine a partner who could match this wonderful person. Jonathan is just so. He uses his great intelligence always in the service of others, his honesty and empathy make him a greatly respected and valued clinician and friend, and he's a fabulous feminist. It is heartening to know that there are not just one, but two such worthy people in the world, and that they share one of the world's great loves. Their wedding will be amazing, too, and a wonderful way to restore one's faith in the world.
My sister and Tim have one of those relationships that extend not just forward into their wedding and future together, but also into the past- not just back to their first meeting nearly ten years ago, but back seemingly lifetimes. They fit together so well that it is easy to understand their long wait to get engaged- their relationship is so natural and ongoing that a wedding seems like an afterthought. They have withstood great pressure to get married before they wanted to, and are planning to do so now, only as they feel that they've evolved together in that way- which is quite fitting for a love that seems to have been loving since the beginnings of our own evolution. She is a great sister and I'm sure she will continue to be a great partner to Tim and vice versa.
Likewise, I can't wait to congratulate Diana on her upcoming wedding to Chaban, at her shower tomorrow. On the few occasions I've had the honor of meeting them, they've shown such inspiring confidence and serenity, as well as humor, I'm sure their wedding will leave their guests with optimism and peace. I hope so much that I can offer these same gifts to Josi, though she is absolutely the most inspiring person I've ever known, and I don't think I'll ever be able to reflect all her wonderful gifts. So, I know this has been sentimental- half of you all are probably sniffling away and the other half I'm sure are gagging at me- and I'm NOT ignoring all my other amazing friends. The universe is just making big presents for all of us these days, not just to these lovely people in the progress of their loves, but to all of us for knowing them. So, I just want to say thanks, and cheers to all these happy couples!

Roses, a Romp, and a Ring

I find it helpful in the face of difficulties like unsupportive parents and an uncertain legal future, to remember exactly why and how I asked my girlfriend to marry me. In January this year, I began planning my proposal, knowing that we would be returning again to the lovely Highlands Inn in for Memorial Day weekend. It would be a beautiful place, set in the White Mountains in Bethlehem, New Hampshire. We would be among friendly people at this wonderful and inspiring inn for lesbians, all of whom would be delighted for us. Having made our reservations and found a beautiful ring in early April, I was all set to go, except for exactly what I would do and say. That proved to be daunting as I rehearsed a great many plans and proposals, coming down to just two weeks before without so much as a single good idea. Then, I remembered a walk we'd taken the year before on the trails behind the inn, eventually crossing a lovely bridge over water, and decided to leave her some kind of scavenger hunt to follow so that I could meet her there. Dwyer Florist agreed to make up the 20 individual bouquets that I planned to leave along the trail to lead her to me.
I dropped her off at the gym in the morning, and went to the florist, where they'd gotten the time wrong and hadn't started, yet. All four of the florists were in a beautiful flurry of flowers and tissue paper and ribbon and cellophane while I waited. Then, I put the flowers in the trunk, along with every last one of our freezer packs to keep them cold, and packed all of our stuff in the car so that she would have no reason to open the trunk, and went to pick her up. At the inn, I snuck the flowers into the fridge and waited until morning, when I left her a note to follow me in 10 minutes, and left her a trail of bouquets to follow, one at each fork in the path, each containing a note with a line of my proposal on it. BUT, the trail to the bridge was washed out! Instead, I made the trail loop around back to the room, where I waited with the last bouquet and my very important question.
It was wonderful and magical for me (for her, too, I hope). She deserves all the flowers in the world, though I hope 20 bouquets got the message across. Her delight in skipping and laughing along a surprise romp through the woods was beautiful. And though heartfelt words and a ring could never express how I love her, those cheesy jewelers' ads are true- diamonds are one of the most beautiful and enduring things in the world, and so they're a perfect symbol of the love we share. So, despite the difficulties that arise, now that we're ready to declare to the world that we are indeed a family, this wonderful memory brings me back to the simple joy and intent of our engagement- this is my joyful story and I'm sticking to it.

Once Upon a Time...

There was a woman trying to come up with a funny and clever intro to her new blog. This may not be it. The eight posts above this one are the ones that I created on my original blog where I was testing my dedication to posting before starting a "real" blog. If you'd like to know a little about me: I am a Democrat (of the democratic variety), a lesbian, a (perpetual) student, a bride-to-be, a Unitarian Universalist, and I live in Holyoke, Mass with my partner who has so graciously agreed to marry me next September. As proud citizens of the marriage equality state, we will do so legally, at least for the first couple of years (more on that in a post above). She's a new social worker, a sweatheart, and a country bumpkin from Minnesota. I'm a country bumpkin from Western Mass, and currently an unemployed student, having recently quit my work of the last three years with people with developmental disabilities to finally finish my undergraduate degree. This B.A. will be in Sociology, a concentration in Social Work, and a minor (so damn close to a second major) in Women's Studies. After graduating (in December), who knows?
My various aspirations include expanding my homemade herbal crafts to more than just one customer, professional activism for equal rights and environmental love, putting nose to the grindstone working for DSS (Department of Social Services for the non-locals), and divinity school toward becoming a UU minister. Most of all, more than anything in the world, more than I can stand it, I want to be a mama. We're not even close to taking foster care classes (another life's purpose), starting the adoption process, or trying to conceive. Getting back to work, regaining health insurance, and paying for a wedding all definitely need to happen first, but I think about it all the time and can't WAIT to get going. My love to all the wonderful mamas and to-be-mamas whose blogs I read as if they were food- not just any food, either, I mean fresh bread from the oven, salmon with creme fraiche, tiramisu... you get the idea.
There are so many courageous people out there tackling racism, sexism, classism, heterosexism, ableism, and all our oppressions, I couldn't possibly name all my inspirations here. I'll try to do them justice in posts, though. I'd like to write about what's going on in my life, but being political by nature, life usually gets tied back into politics and society here. Coming from one of those dinner=debate families, I love a rousing argument (no fights), so please feel free to disagree or play devil's advocate, but do be nice! Photos can be found in the sidebar (granted that I figure out how to use it), though they will probably be mostly wedding, wedding, wedding! Bridezilla hath no mercy... bwahahaha. No, really, I will try to include some variety (after all, what is a lesbian website without her best cat pictures), but I don't have any beautiful baby pictures like so many of my favorite blogs. Someday.
Bless you and all your families. See you around.

Test

Startup included some technical problems, so this is just a test.