Pigs are flying, the curvaceous lady is singing her tune, the cows are back home cracking open their beer...

For the second time this week, I have just had a completely pleasant conversation with my mother including much talk about the wedding. Holy crapola. I think she must be making a special, cognizant effort to be nice to me, especially about the wedding stuff. She's asking questions about it. She's joking with me about it. She's offering to learn how to emboss paper so she can help make our invitations. She's saying she'd like to give us some money for it, but can't make promises because she and my Dad don't have much left over these days. I tell her anything they'd like to offer would be much appreciated and if they can't contribute cash that's completely ok and then we talk about bridesmaids dresses. She asked what we're going to do with our last names and I even brought up having kids without incident.

I really love this stuff (and I'm hoping it won't come crashing down in some big fight). She and I have had such a bumpy road of it since I came out to her, several years of really bad periods followed by periods of two-steps-forward-one-step-back stuff, so I'm trying to appreciate this without setting my heart on it. I love my mother. I feel sorry that she has had to go through so much turmoil and inner change because she happened to be one of the many parents of gay children. I admire the strength of this remarkable woman and so deeply appreciate the efforts she makes for me- I know I haven't been the easiest daughter in the world. She turns 60 next month and I know I want to spend as much time as possible soaking up her love and reflecting it right back to her while we're still together; when I was 9 years old, I realized one night while trying to fall asleep, for the first time, that my mother wouldn't live forever and I cried into the wee hours of the morning until finally going to sleep. That's a feeling that has stayed with me since that night and so often I have to push my thoughts about that finiteness away in order not to cry some more. I love my mother so much more than I could ever express. Now, as I think about becoming a mom myself (and I think about that all the time), I can't imagine another person loving me like I love my mother, but at the same time I really hope they do.

"Union, Union are we. Just as Union as Union can be!"

"We're gonna get somethin' for our labor,
For Union, Union are we." Woody Guthrie

Yay for our union local! During our contract negotiation meeting last night, management quietly and nonchalantly withdrew their proposal to eliminate health insurance benefits for domestic partners of employees. Woo hoo! That doesn't take away the initial disrespect or the sense that management really doesn't give a crap about the workers, but it's not on the table anymore so we're happy!

Dear sister S, I promise not to make you wear this.

Decisions, decisions.

You know, the farther we get in trying to decide how to try for a baby the more complicated it gets and the more conflicted we feel. I keep wondering when we are going to hit that peak and then get to relax a little bit about it. I think what drives me nuts is just the not having a plan, yet. We have all these options and decisions to make, but so far we have no definite plan, and so I obsess about the decisions. I want to know. And the more options we consider, the more I become convinced that there really isn't anything better about one way than another way most of the time, which makes it all the more difficult to make a decision.
For example, known donors vs. unknown donors. While I think a known donor can be a great gift to be able to offer our child, it can also be a detriment to our child by exposing him or her to potential custody battles, which will probably not happen but if they do, have proven to be very harmful to children. Which is better? Neither. Both are indications of caring parents, and which way just depends on the parents. So what kind of parents are we? Well, we're not parents, but what kind of parents-to-be are we? Well, we're not the totally anonymous donor kind, but we are still debating if we are the yes-donor (where he's anonymous at first but can be contacted when child is 18) or the known donor kind. I think we're the known donor kind, but that brings up lots of other decisions. Do we go live or frozen? Live has advantages- namely the much greater likelihood and speed with which we could get pregnant and the greatly reduced cost- almost free. Then again, frozen has advantages- we don't actually know this guy, so it would be to our benefit to have the 6-month quarantine of his sperm and retesting to make sure it doesn't carry any STIs; also very importantly we could order up the swimmers anytime we want and have them shipped up here, rather than have to drive 5 hours each way for the live ones. Then again, the bank would charge us somewhere between $4,900 and $5,700 for everything, plus additional years of storage, plus shipping fees, so... there goes the kid's college fund. And the wedding. Arrgh! Since going through the bank in our case also makes no difference legally, and since we do pretty much trust that he's in a stable and fidelitous relationship with his partner, all that expense is seeming more and more useless. At this point I think we're leaning toward the live route, especially because I learned this interesting fact from "The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians" saying that some midwives can now "spin" the little buggers in a portable centrifuge and do an IUI for you at home (or wherever you are), so we could hopefully get this going right quickly! Whenever we do decide to start. Hold yer horses, Bertha! Not yet!

Cat-astrophe

*TMI warning* My cute cat is not so cute at the moment as she just had a major runny-poo-got-stuck-in-her-bum-fur incident, and try as I might the stuff is not coming off, and now the little bugger just ran under the bed. Damn. This is usually a two person job, so I think I'm just going to be singing "smelly cat, smelly cat" until J gets home from work at 3. Ewwwww...

My sister is awesome.

She's going to make us something like these. And the test cake she made last Sunday was so tasty! Thanks, S.

I love the postal system!

Yay! We got two of the books I ordered from Amazon (I know, I know I should shop locally but I tried the library and five local bookstores and couldn't find these two). Ordering both may sound somewhat redundant, but I imagine there's probably at least one thing in each that isn't in the other and I'm reading everything relevant that I can get my hands on. The Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy, and Birth is a book I saw a long time ago in the local Pride store and so I already had it in mind. When I couldn't find it in the local stores I went to Amazon and also found The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians. I'm going to immerse myself in the wonderful world of zygotes and cervical mucus now, but I'd love to hear your opinion on these books if you've read them.

But I hate goodbyes.

Our minister officially resigned yesterday. I feel really bad for him, because I don't think the "lay leadership" was fair to him, and he's had such a hard time in general for quite a while. For us, it means that we won't be able to ask him to officiate our wedding- he seems to be taking something of a break from ministering and given the circumstances, would probably not want to officiate at this UU church. We wish him all the best and brightest blessings as he finds better things!

I am after all blogging about my wedding...

Well, Estelle has a discussion about marriage vs. civil unions going, but since she wanted to talk to others she found who didn't want to get married, I thought I'd talk about why I do on my own blog. It seems there are quite a few queer folks who would like to have a civil union (with equal rights to marriage) in order to protect their families, but do not want to get married. That's totally fine, as all things are not for everyone, and we all have our own reasons for what we do. I find it ridiculous that straight couples who don't want to get married, are forced to get married in order to protect their legal rights, and gay couples who do want to get married can't and are pushed to accept civil unions they don't want in order to protect their rights. The other issue was whether or not pushing for equal marriage rather than civil unions makes the political climate more anti-gay. I really don't think so, because conservatives will always try to eliminate civil rights for gay people, no matter what the context is- but I'm not going to get into that here. I already wrote it in a comment on Estelle's post, so if you want to read that, you're going to have to go give her some blog-love.

Now, for why I personally want to get married. It's true that our legal rights as a family are a huge part of our decision to get married, but that's not really the issue for me. Of course I want equal rights, but I would still be having a wedding even if our marriage weren't legal. Indeed, we really have no idea whether or not it will stay legal for very long in Massachusetts, and know full well that it's not going to be recognized anywhere else, but we're still doing what we want to do. We want to have a wedding- in our church, guided by a clergy person, with our family and friends as witnesses. That isn't for everyone- my sister and her partner (straight couple) have chosen not to get married for the last ten years (am I right, S, 10?), but I know they'd probably love to be able to protect themselves legally with something like a civil union. They can't get that right now because they're straight. I think it's ridiculous to divide the two (quite different) contracts into one for straights and one for gays, instead of letting everyone, gay and straight, decide what they want to do. Moreover, I think it is religious oppression- my faith recognizes the sacredness of our relationship and practices weddings, and I ought to be able to practice my religion. Don't believe people who say that marriage should be between men and women because it says so in the Bible- firstly marriages have been practiced in pretty much every religion, not just christianity, so the Bible does not have a corner on marriage- secondly, we live in a secular society- thirdly, the Bible does not define marriage as for straights only, people have distorted the real messages of the Bible so disgustingly that it makes me angry and sick to my stomach. So, I agree with the idea that public law ought to have civil unions for everyone, and leave marriage to individuals and congregations, but I still want the choice. I don't want to be forced into a civil union because it's as close as I can get to what I want- to marry the woman I love.

Personally, this is going to be one of the pinnacle moments of my life- I cry practically every time I think about it. For myself, I believe in making this spiritual and loving vow in front of our community. I believe in making it for ourselves, too. We'll be having a private ceremony first thing in the morning, where we can enter this marriage together with our own marker and our own resolution. Then, we'll have our wedding with our friends and family, dresses, tiara, veil, flowers galore, centerpieces and favors, dinner and cake, and great music, because it is what we want to do.

I don't think of myself or my love or my relationship as essentially different, and certainly not inferior to, those of straight people. I don't think of what we will be entering into as a "committment" or a "civil union"- if I wanted to do that, I'd be having a committment ceremony or simply going to city hall- I'm having a wedding because I want to have a marriage with J. I know that some queer people will cry assimilationism. That we are not like straight people and should not try to be like straight people. But that's a problematic idea for me- I am not like gay people either. I know this is elementary, but there is no one way to be straight or gay, and to assume that we're essentially different is just as faulty as assuming we're 100% the same. The reality is that there are those who want to get married and those who want civil unions and there are those who don't want either, like there are people who want to be doctors and people who want to be stay at home moms, like there are people who like mint-chocolate-chip and people who like cookies-n-cream. It really doesn't have to do with your sexual orientation, at least not for me, it has to do with your personal style and what you want to do with your life. So I want to get married. And don't anybody stand in the way of my free choice to do so, or else Bridezilla will have to open a big, butch can of lesbo whoopass. ;)

The law and the longest post about this whole mommy-business I've written so far.

We went to see a lawyer today to ask her about donor contracts and the law in Massachusetts. If we were to go forward with our PKD, our process would be to draw up a donor contract with our lawyer and hopefully have PKD agree to it, we would then sign it and he would sign it and a witness would sign it and I think there would be a notary involved, and then we ttc. We may or may not be able to have both our names on the birth certificate (we definitely could if we were going anonymous, but there's little precedent here for known donors). The big, fat catch here is that we would have to draw up an "acknowledgement of parentage" with him as "father" so that he can then terminate his parental rights and responsibilities, and he can't do the termination until 5 days after baby is born. And that document would have to be signed by him and a witness with a notary in his state, and then sent back, so we really wouldn't have it until probably a couple of weeks after birth. And that leaves the possibility of him not agreeing to relinquish paternity, and then we wind up in a nasty court battle with just our donor contract to back us up, and that may or may not hold up in court since there's no law to base it on, and it's really not how I would want to spend our first few months as a family. Not that we would expect that to happen, but we have to be cognizant of all the possibilities, especially as we do not know this person other than the few conversations we've had with him which have been great. And apparently, going through the cryobank actually doesn't help us legally unless we get married now and bank the swimmers in Massachusetts, and the Mass bank already made it pretty clear that they don't like to do known donors, so... we have a conundrum.
Now, we've never been too picky about how we do this becoming mommies business. We've considered everything and are open to everything. So, up comes the discussion about adoption again. I know that there are lots of ethical and childrearing issues for adoption, as there are for donor insemination. I know that there is just as much legal risk to a birthmom deciding to parent, too, but I think we could survive that better than carrying a child for 9 months and birthing her and then having a donor challenge us. That would just about kill me, and I'm not even the one who would have done the carrying (the first time around anyway). I know it usually isn't a problem for other people going through KDs, and that it probably wouldn't be a problem for us, but even just the emotional issues of dealing with the risk- yeesh.
Thinking about adoption again (something we have had in our plans as long as we've had plans, regardless of whether we ttc or not) brought me back to one of the major reasons we liked the KD idea- siblings. Now we didn't feel all that comfortable with having several half-sibs out there that we don't know, for reasons like possibly needing health info in the future, and especially because not all straight people who go through AI tell their kids about it, which might lead to some sticky interpersonal situations if our kids happened to randomly meet as peers one day. But, adopted kids wouldn't necessarily know who all their siblings and half-siblings are, either, not to mention KDs could have kids from relationships we don't know about, not to mention even those of us from long-term married, hetero parents don't necessarily know that Dad hasn't done the same... who knows? Nobody really knows, I guess. So that got me thinking back on why we wouldn't just head on back to the yes-donor board, which is where we started in the first place. Especially as I would think most people choose yes donors because they intend to tell their children about their donor and enable them to meet at 18. Which would eliminate (most of) that whole issue for us. So what the hell are we doing?!
This I think is all exacerbated by the Toys R Us dollars that J had to spend or lose this week, causing us to go buy a whole bunch of baby stuff, and start researching strollers and carriers and wraps and cribs and dear God! Now seems like a really good time to go to the gym. Run, mama, run!

Things are just getting so bad,

I don't know how I could stomach raising a child, particularly a daughter here. Last night we had a friend over for dinner and we were talking about the challenges to abortion rights in South Dakota and Tennessee, and the deficit being raised again to the point where each newborn essentially has a $30,000 birth tax on her head. While we're basically hearing reruns of the pre-Iraq coverage, but with Iran substituted in. And Mitt Romney running for President. I really can't stand that guy. He completely decimated education, kindegarten through college, in Massachusetts, among all the other crappy things he's done. Every time I see him he reminds me of that plastic Duracel guy- you know, the plastic suits they had actors wear for those commercials, only they couldn't wear them for more than 5 minutes at a time because of the heat and suffocation? Ugh. I'm just disgusted with our state of affairs.

"You are butt-ass joking me!"

In the words of my former dorm-mate Shandy, I am expressing my feelings about my effing employer's new proposals for our union contract, which is up for renewal next month. The most unbelievably freeging asanine suggestion of which is removing our health insurance coverage for domestic partners and their dependents. As in, ours. Who the hell are these people and what the hell do they think they are doing to my family?! Now, we're fortunate in that we work for the same company and can buy "single" insurance if we have to. We are also fortunate in that we live in Massachusetts, and may have our marriage recognized by our insurance company this fall when we get married, and if they do then we may be able to keep it unless the initiative petition to destroy equal marriage passes. In that case, maybe we could keep the insurance for two years (before that possible passage), and if that discrimination did pass into the constitution, our insurance company might recognize that little part about those already married staying married, or they might not. The big problem for us is that so much of this stuff is based on federal marriage anyway, we still need to be recognized as domestic partners even after we're married, in order to be protected in our health insurance. For example, if Josi takes an extended maternity leave, I might not be able to cover our newborn baby. If our marriage were to be nullified by the state later, she wouldn't be able to cover me or our baby if I took that extended maternity leave. If one of us got sick or hurt badly enough to have to stop working, that would rack us up some huge medical bills. If my child by Josi were to get sick, I couldn't take time off (remember, the Family and Medical Leave Act only applies to federally married people in that case), especially in the first six months- it takes at least six months in Massachusetts to finalize a 2nd parent adoption. And on and on. This sucks! And all the straight and unmarried couples would be screwed, too... I feel like my employer just slapped me in the face. Hard. And it's amazing how quickly they've just made me go from loving my job to hating it- sounds like a good business productivity idea, huh?

A story about "Buying Dad: One Woman's Search for the Perfect Sperm Donor"

Buying Dad: One Woman's Search for the Perfect Sperm Donor

by Harlyn Aizley

“Buying Dad” was an enjoyable and funny read for me, and I loved all the detail as Aizley brings her readers through each step of her journey to parenting. I was bothered by some stereotypes and negative generalizations about other lesbians (and herself), as well as some criticism of certain other lesbians’ journeys on the same path (for example, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to avoid having kids from the same donor as your neighbor, if that’s how you feel about it). Aizley’s stories of standing up to medical professionals when they weren’t treating her well are great tools for other women who may also have to deal with that problem, and her descriptions of family and interpersonal relationships made me laugh out loud many times. The heartbreaking theme also running through the book is Aizley’s simultaneous journey through her mother’s relapse into and eventual death from cancer, and I found myself impressed by her ability to handle birth and death in her life at the same time, and appreciated the way she wrote about life’s two guaranteed events. It’s wonderful to read the story of the coming of a baby who is so very much loved and wanted.

See more about Buying Dad: One Woman's Search for the Perfect Sperm Donor

Of all the people in the world...

I didn't think those at our Unitarian Universalist Society of Northampton and Florence would disappoint me. Though I'm hesitant to write about this online, no one over there seems to be listening to me, so I'm putting my opinion out here. Just over two weeks ago we found out during a service that the "lay leadership" and some of the members had come to something of an irrevocable decision to ask our minister to leave, while we had no idea there was even a problem. Suddenly we learn that our minister will be basically kicked out because of some complaints about his performance from certain members and board members. Now, I understand that there appears to be a significant number of these unhappy people, and since we interact with the congregation largely through Sunday services, I concede that there may indeed be areas that are lacking. I just don't know about them. Which is exactly what's wrong. There wasn't even a whisper of a problem (let alone a problem serious enough to fire the minister), despite months and months of this going on behind the scenes. Complaints now seem to be coming from everywhere, about the sermons, the pastoral care, program participation, the membership numbers, and the amount of annual pledges. Every issue is being blamed on our minister.
I want to point out that I, for one, love the sermons. Some complain they are too gloomy about the state of the world and our tumultuous times- wake up, people! We do live in a gloomy, tumultuous world right now, and our minister is exactly right to address the lies and deadly hypocrisy of our present government- he is minstering to a congregation of liberal, caring people who undoubtedly are troubled by the state of the world and the use of their tax dollars. I think the complainers are missing one or both of these things: first, that if they are not outraged, and scared, and sad about our current events then they are not paying attention, and second they miss the whole point of Jay's sermons- that each of us has the power to change the world and we should be hopeful and hardworking and faithful that good will win out. I have never been to a service by him where I did not leave with that hopeful and empowered feeling. Finally about the sermons, this is a UU! Lay people and guests are welcome to design and lead their own service with permission any time! If one is unhappy with the tenor of recent sermons, one should write a sermon of their own- this is not a religion for passive people.
Now, the stuff about pastoral care and program participation, I don't know much about, so I grant there could be a problem there. I do know, however, that our minister is responsible for a 500 member congregation- a huge and complex group of people. In fact, UUA rules say that our congregation should have two ministers. So it sounds to me as if he is being chastised for not being able to do the work of two people. All while he's sick and his mother was dying of Alzheimer's disease this fall. This is similar to the blaming of slightly lower membership numbers solely on him- as I recall, there is a Welcome Committee who is supposed to take care of visitors and new members- what I don't recall is any of those committee members saying a word to me until I finally bugged one of them about it after attending services several times. Maybe other people are also responsible for membership numbers? Like the pledge drives- perhaps the lower amount of money being pledged to the society has something to do with the fact that we are in recession! While not everyone is having a hard time financially, I know a lot of people who are, and I really don't think it's fair to put the blame for a poor economy and unbelievably high heating costs here in the Northeast on the minister. Second, I think the Canvass Committee asks too much. They were actually publicly disappointed that 113 "member units" (families) only contributed $200,000. They wanted $300,000. Excuse me, but exactly what family around these parts has $3,000 to just give away?! It doesn't exactly make me feel good about our piddly little $240. Who do these people think they're soliciting, and why is this our minister's fault? Arrrrrgh!
The worst part, though, is not even about the minister. It's that there is no reason whatsoever that any member should have been unaware of what was going on until an irrevocable decision was made without them. None. There are all kinds of excuses being offered, about meetings that were held (entitled "minister appraisal and congregational self-assessment" not "we need to decide whether or not to fire the minister), trustees calling members (nobody ever called us, that's for sure), and two other UUA ministers being called in to listen to members (as in the very unhappy members who somehow knew about the decision while we happy members did not). I think this whole thing is incredibly unfair and even deceitful- I cried after the last service because I just couldn't focus on it or trust the people around me. After really growing to love the place, this is hard, because if they don't at least rectify the process so that it doesn't happen this way again, I don't think I can go back. This all brings up awful memories of the UCC church of my upbringing ousting the wonderful minister we had there because she stuck up for our gay organist. I know it's not the same thing- it's not homophobia- but it just harkens back. And we're getting married there! I really hope this unique society of individuals can work it out- we're unitarians, after all.

An Herbal Wedding

Ok, so the indoor ceremony is going to have to do. This just means that I have to do everything possible to bring the great outdoors indoors. As an herb and garden lover (and fan of inexpensive wedding decorations), today I made a list of the herbs I hope to be able to use in copious amounts in the Great Hall of our UU Society for the ceremony. Many herbs have traditional symbolism, and quite a few have been used at weddings through the ages, so with the help of the "Herbal Wedding Planner" article published in the Herb Quarterly last spring these are the favorites:
Ivy for luck, fidelity, and disspelling negative energy
Rosemary for remembrance, of course.
Lavender for luck and love
Myrtle for love and fertility
Yarrow for lasting love and marital harmony
Cumin for protection and fidelity
Meadowsweet (otherwise known as Bridewort) for happiness
Mint for hospitality
Thyme for health and courage
Sage for longevity
Marjoram, which is Aphrodite's herb, for marital bliss
Lady's Mantle for ladies' love
Angelica for protection and because it has big, pretty leaves
Lovage for love
Catnip for lifelong friendship
The two of us will be carrying roses, red for me, and white for J, and I don't know about our fair sisters. I hope that the tall herbs especially can bring a nice garden-feel to the sanctuary. I'd like to also buy those "ionic" air filter/fans, too, and set them going for a few hours before the ceremony for fresh air. Lastly, on the walk up, I'm thinking of setting up white cloth in long flags to being blowing around as our guests walk up to the building- get them away from the street feeling (since it is on Main St. in a busy town) and into a magical wedding feeling. Too crazy? I don't know. We'll see!

Already?!

Oh man, certain of my friends are so going to make me eat my words when they hear about this. While slogging my way through my last semester of my BA last fall, I swore up and down that I was not going to grad school, at least not for a really long time. I hated all that "gen ed" crap, the giant UMass classes, the pointless exercizes for clueless TAs, and all the other useless elements of standardized American education. It was like I had a podium with me every time we went out because some friend would inevitably ask me when I was going to grad school. I think I just really hated everybody asking me about it all the time, because my credit load was so big with so much work to do, and I couldn't wait for a breather (the opposite of what everybody seemed to want to talk about). And this new job thing was going along very well for several weeks, immersing myself in the underpaid and underappreciated world of social work. Until a couple of days ago, when lo and behold that first thought of grad school wormed its way up to the surface of my consciousness. This of course is going to be seriously under wraps from the high-pressure parents and the going-to-laugh-their-asses-off friends for as long as possible. Especially as this program is not just one degree, but two. Go figure. Ok, it's now time to dance around to Katastrophe and purge myself of the conformity of it all. And when Dad hears about this I'm going to have to immediately do something to really piss him off- maybe I'll let the sperm out of the bag then, too... ;)

I did a very bad thing.

I found some pictures online of a lesbian wedding with the brides wearing our colors and of course cried all over the place. I'm going to be a total mess during our ceremony. I cry practically every time I think about it. The bad thing is that these photos were of an outdoor wedding, which was what I always wanted, but which didn't seem to work out when we were initally planning. And the photos look gorgeous, so now I'm back to wanting an outdoor ceremony. Obsessively. This could just be bride's insanity, and it is insanity since it's only six months away and on a holiday weekend during a very popular season and there don't seem to be any pretty outdoor sites near our reception except for one that's being used by our very dear friends for their wedding just two months before and I just feel that I can't be a copycat even if it is still available which it probably isn't. Whew. Did you catch all that? Don't get me wrong, our sanctuary at the UU is nice, and has two aisles (perfect for two brides), but the windows are all stained glass and that season can be just so darn beautiful outside... Or maybe it's because the UU ticked me off recently (to put it lightly) by deciding to fire our minister without telling everyone (like the two of us, who were totally blindsided by this two Sundays ago). Hmm. Trees. Gardens. Stone walls. Pretty flowers and white chairs. Long swaths of white cloth blowing in the wind...

Cryopreserve this!

Today I started looking into "directed donor" programs, starting with the oh-so-convenient (comparatively speaking) cryobank in Boston. The rep on the phone told me all about their rules and procedures, only to say at the end that they don't like working with known donors because "they hardly ever work out" and that they'd reccommend that we just go anonymous unless he's a family member and that they don't like to work with out of state donors and that the whole thing will cost you a ballpark of $4000 or more. But we should still call back if we think we want to go through all that or if we decide to go anonymous. Now, I have just a few things to say about all that. First, maybe this particular cryobank has known donors that don't work out because they make it so damn hard to do it! Second, his being a family member would have no bearing on our decision since he's an acquaintance, but their exception for that totally ignores all the myriad other reasons we have for choosing to go through a known donor if possible- as if our reasons are not important- not exactly good doctor-patient-attitude if you ask me. Third, being pooh-pooh on out of state donors is just silly because it limits people's options in such a contradictory way, partly because I think people choosing KDs generally choose them because they know and like them (not because of where they live) and partly because at least for us, his living out of state is a big plus- one more reason we like him. Lastly, the costs are just exploitative and wrong. Period. Cranky, cranky, huh?