And it just gets better every time I look at it.

Now the forecast says not just 60% chance of rain- we've upgraded to a 70% chance of rain/wind. Why don't they just come right out there and say it- it's going to be a big, fat storm. I try not to curse too much, but really I just have to say... shit.

Ah, so this is what hyperventillating is like...

Wow, Bridezilla is in full swing today, trying to get everything wedding-related done in the next 45 hours. Picking up keys for the church, meeting with yet another manager at the reception site (I don't know how they have so many and stay in business), picking up musical equipment, shopping, finishing programs, doing favor tags, etc. Oh yeah, and working. I wish I'd taken today and yesterday off, not just Thurs and after. The imminent-in-laws were staying with us the last three nights and boy am I glad! They made almost all of the programs, table markers, and wedding-bubble-thing-ribbons. And now they're in Boston picking up our recessional-banners and staying overnight at J's friend's apartment in order to do so. We love them. A lot. We don't love the weather report. Oh, the months I have spent deathly afraid that it would rain on my wedding day. Over the last couple of days the forecast for Sunday went from "Sunny and delightful" to "a 30% chance of a few showers" to "a 60% chance of rain." Plain old rain. Dammit, dammit, dammit! I basically consider this a waste of $1000 of photography- I hate the idea of all-indoor wedding pictures, and even though I think we've worked out a decent alternate indoor location to take them that is better than the church sanctuary, I'm reasonably certain I will be disappointed in the pictures forever. I've been manifesting all day long. Help me out if you don't mind- tell Ernesto to hit the road and don't come back!

Please God, don't turn me into my mother, yet!

I'm only 24! Just kidding- I love my Mom. And I loved our trial run at the hair salon on Saturday. Others seem not to agree with me, but when I looked in the mirror I really saw a lot of my mom when she was my age. Which was really nice, because usually I resemble my Dad a lot, and he's not a bad looking guy but I'd rather look like Mom. I wish I had a scanner so I could post a picture of her from her wedding. J doesn't know what I mean because she's not as familiar with those old photos, but I do agree with her thought- it's quite Marilyn, no? Squee!


And thank you to my wonderful sister! We loved our shower on Sunday! The decorations were really cute, complete with shiny plastic tiaras, and the food and gifts were lovely. After all of the Maid-of-Honor work, organizing and hosting our shower, making our wedding cake, and hosting 4 wedding guests at her home, my sister went even further- all these are more than gift enough, but she gave us our first set of matching, non-bungee-cord-held-together dining chairs! Woo hoo! Our guests can now stop worrying about their safety every time they sit down! Yay! And they're gorgeous!
Yesterday we met with our minister again and finalized most of the ceremony. We have most of the RSVPs in. Today we went to City Hall and applied for a marriage license which we can pick up Friday, and I am officially set to change my name! Holy cow! And J's parents are coming to stay with us Sunday. Now there are programs to design and print, a seating chart to create, a final food count to give to the Brewery, placecards and table markers to make, J's dress to fix, J's shoes to find (yikes), she's got vows to write, final decorations to find and make, wedding-day schedule to make, duties to delegate, preparations to make for getting a civil union in Vermont, honeymoon to pack for, on and on. Whee!

Universe, don't make me come up there!

No more crappy things are allowed to happen! Not for a long time! I'm putting my foot down! I just got a couple of emails and a phone call about our dear friend Jon- this is the guy who set the two of us up on our fateful blind date, who we plan on giving a special seat at our wedding, whose own beautiful wedding to our friend P we just attended a few weeks ago. At a routine physical a couple of days ago, an abnormality was discovered indicating that he has testicular cancer. He was under CT scan yesterday and in surgery today, they're trying to see if it has spread anywhere else, family is coming in from all over the place, and the newlyweds are sorting through all the emotional weight of it while struggling through insurance papers. Damn it, Universe- this is not ok! Jon gets better right away and no more of this crap or else! Off to make some reheatable meals...

I give up.

Now he's coming. After all that. I will never understand my father. He finally called last night, and I said I was planning on checking in with him today because Mom is away, so I guess he just waited until tonight to talk about that whole are-you-coming-to-your-daughter's-wedding-or-not business. Not that he talked about it much tonight, anyway. Pretty much just that he's coming. And a bit of ranting about Mom's reaction to his "for sale" sign- I really hate that, being a sounding board for one parent's hostility toward the other. I don't mind listening to my mom, because she's never hostile- usually just bewildered and upset. But Dad? Not so much. And he admitted to having stopped his meds (which I already knew via Mom, but was waiting for him to say). He is such a different person right now- morose, sarcasitc, impulsive, hostile, and not insightful about his actions. This is not to say he's perfect when he's on his meds, but I guess I didn't realize how much he had improved on them until he went off. BUT, I can't deal with all that right now. Wedding. Happenning. In 2 weeks and 4 days. Holy crap. That ticker is really freakin' me out now!
The final fitting was today! My dress is great- love it even more- S, you're going to have to learn how to do this bustle-thing from J- I don't get it. J's dress, though- not so good. Again. If you remember way back in May, we went to pick up her dress and it was in terrible shape (badly made) and we had to send it back and re-order it. So the re-ordered dress was fine. But, now the alterations people made the bodice too small. She looks alright, and the wrap that we bought definitely covers up any over-the-top-spillage, but it is pretty tight. Poor J- she cried on the way home! I'm not really sure what to do now- J's plan of eating nothing but salad for the next 18 days may not help. It's true she did lose a lot of weight over the summer and gain a couple of pounds back in the last week or two, but I really think they just adjusted the bodice in too much. And I can't think of any places to shop for fancy formal wear around here. The Running of the Brides is Friday, but she says she really wants to wear red, and of course all the wedding gowns there are white or ivory. This is the big project for the rest of the week- to fix the dress situation!
All is not crappy, though! Favors are finished! Unless we decide to make favor tags, but I'm just not feeling that into it. And I decided on those gosh darn pew decorations! That was 48 hours of unnecessary obsession. I have succumbed- bows of white and red wired ribbon. But they look much better than I thought they would, and I made 5 of the 12 last night. And I wrote my vows! Woo hoo! Sunday was a really blissfully beautiful day out at Poet's Seat Tower, overlooking Greenfield and the surrounding hills, and I sat up there for an hour or two and felt inspired. *sigh* Now I just have to say all that blithering, sentimental, shmush in front of everyone I know. ;)

3 weeks! Ai ai ai!

There's just something really neat about the phrase "welcome to the family". J's parents, sister, and several extended family members threw us a surprise shower yesterday. It being in Oregon, I couldn't be there, but J loves surprises and so was totally thrilled, of course. They bought red and white decorations with hearts and brought lovely presents and I think they went out for dinner. Since I'm back here in Mass, they called me up and passed the phone around so that I could "meet" everybody. They were all really sweet with their congratulations and welcoming me to the family and wishing they could come to the wedding (most are not, as it is very far away), and one promise to hitchike out here for it. I'm really glad J has such a great family. And lucky me, I get to marry in! It's nice to feel welcomed.
Meanwhile, the anxiety is setting in- 3 weeks left! My poor sister got dragged along with me yesterday as I wandered through Michael's craft store, contemplating pew wreaths and favors and ceremony decorations, listening to my fears about the weather. Still sitting here, contemplating... those pews.... those tissure paper flowers.... those chocolates...

Oh, crapping crap.

Tonight- the night that J is 3,000 miles away, the first night of her trip, when I am bound to be more nervous about all the bumps in the night, etc........ is the night that I walk into our bedroom to see a big effing spider on our wall that closely resembles a brown recluse. Like that picture there. Effing eff! Crapping crap! I, of course, called my personal critter-remover immediately, squealing in terror particularly when the thing dropped down from the wall onto our curtain. (Right now I am squoogling around, checking every little itch and twitch and searching the area around my chair every few seconds). Usually, when I absolutely must deal with the little darlings myself, I get a jar and put them outside. But THIS? No, no, NO! It was hard enough just to work up the courage to squish it with a flip-flop! And I didn't even spare my white curtain- forever shall the brown spot mark the creature's resting place. Of course, I then had to go Googling for pictures to see what kind it was, and people- it looks an awfully lot like a male brown recluse to me- very, very poisonous! And apparently most people who get bitten get it from clothes it's hiding in or from rolling over one in bed. Now, I cannot sleep in the bedroom. It is 1:30AM, and I have pulled out the futon in the living room with a comforter. I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Whoa, do I ever miss my girl! Miss her, miss her, miss her!

Girl in the sky

J went to the airport this morning to fly out to her grandmother's funeral, unknowingly heading toward the massive lines forming as a result of the London-terror-plot thing. I think she's finally made it onto her second flight now, but sheesh. Now I'm really worried! Flying makes me nervous anyway, so potential bombs made out of hair gel and baby lotion really exacerbate the anxiety. Though I'd much rather have her home, I really want her to be safely on the ground in Oregon soon!
However, the giant boxes on our doorstep from Bed, Bath, and Beyond are a nice distraction! We're not materialistic people here, but I admit it- I like presents. And it doesn't really matter that we already know what the stuff is since most of it is on our registry- we were both doing a happy dance in the living room last night when we unpacked our new Emiril pots and pans. Slogan: "The only cookware that makes me say BAM!" I effing love this set. I also love my friend EG who got us two of the four things that we registered for knowing that our guests would be thinking "WTF?": a dessert set just for making S'mores, and a neon green electronic footbath thingy. The other two things still on the list, you ask? A Shiatsu-massaging-chair-pad that we couldn't stop sitting upon in the store, and a 3-in-1 toaster that toasts your bread, poaches your egg, and warms your meat all at once so you can make breakfast sandwiches. Who comes up with this stuff?! I don't know, but I love it. And thanks to J's mom and dad for the pots and pans!

More tears

Just after settling in from our day at Dave's memorial service, J's parents called to say her grandmother has passed away. My poor girl was already pretty raw from the news about her friend, so things are pretty quiet and teary around here now. Just this morning I was listening to an interview on the radio and the speaker was saying that "there's nothing more powerful than the prayer of a grandmother." I'm sure she prayed for her granddaughter many times. So, we offer our prayers for her tonight.

When it rains...

Well, he wasn't there, so I wrote on the back of his silly note that he simply needs to call me and tell me yes or no. And that I thought it was really selfish of him to send that less than a month before the most important day of my life. And then my mom and I took off because neither of us had the energy or the patience to deal with it anymore- we went shopping in Noho and crashed my sister's place later, where my lovely Maid of Honor made us another test-cake: chocolate with rum-raspberry filling, mmmmmm. Exactly what we needed. That and the communal family rant-session about dad. Thanks, S.
So, the rain having been accepted, it started pouring. J's friend from her social work school internship last year, Dave, died a few days ago of a massive heart attack. She just found out a few hours ago and is pretty upset- she was really looking forward to seeing him at the wedding. I'd only met him twice, but am feeling pretty low about it, too- he was a great guy and this is definitely unexpected- I think he was only in his fifties. We'll be going to the service tomorrow morning.

In which I lament being the offspring of a big jerk

My father and I have always had a difficult relationship. He was distant and overly critical and mean to my mother while I was growing up. I really hated his guts during high school because of one particular time that he yelled at my mother and I overheard. Really. Hated him for years afterward- we barely spoke, though we lived in the same house. Then while I was in college, he was a huge asshole when I came out- I won't list off the many ways- I still had to live with him for a couple of months in there, and it's the only time I ever flunked school. Along the way, he's been a jerk in many other ways- trying to control the whole family with his money, treating my big sister like crap, being a jerk in general to my mother. We had a couple of ok years after he started to get over my coming out- we were healing a little, getting to know each other a little, he liked J. Then I got engaged to J, and at first he wasn't going to come to the wedding (this was a year ago). That was a big fight, but we hashed that out and he decided to come. Things were ok again until about a week ago.
My mother called me, upset that he'd stopped taking his anti-depressant again (he suffers from major depression and anxiety as well as social problems). He's generally nice when he's taking his meds and mean when he's not. So poor mom is at her wit's end. We all went to my sister's that Saturday, and he was making snipey, mean comments. Mom calls me again yesterday, this time in tears. Now, listen buster- I don't know who you think you're dealing with- nobody but nobody makes my mother cry! So I go over to see her and she's upset because of two things. First, she comes home from a meeting the other night to a "For Sale" sign in front of the house- dad in his manic state has suddenly decided that they must sell the house- immediately. So, having not been consulted about whether or not she wants to sell her home, she gets mad and they have a fight and now he's not speaking to her. Huh? Weren't you the one who picked a fight, mister? You don't get to be mad. Then, because he can't get his tires replaced right when he wants to (oh my gosh, he'll have to wait until Tuesday), he decides he wants to sell the car now. Hm, impulsive, alternately manic and depressed- bipolar anyone?) The second reason mom cried is that she found some kind of something- I don't know what- and she thinks he wants to divorce her, after 38 years of marriage. Which I would doubt, because he's certainly no prize (obviously) and I don't think he would survive without her, but she's upset. So, that's bad enough right?
Last night he calls to say I'd probably get something in the mail today from him, and that he wrote it when he was feeling bad and that "I shouldn't pay too much attention to it". I ask him if he wants me to just throw it away then (and I could- I have very good willpower about such things), but no he says to read it. And then immediately hangs up. WTF? So I get this letter, and read it (background note: when I was delegating duties for the wedding, I asked him to distribute our checks to vendors that day so we don't have to worry about it). "Kate, You should find someone else for your check distributions. My present state of mind does not permit me to participate. Perhaps my doctor's letter can explain my condition. Goodbye, Dad", attached to which is a doctor's note he just got from his psychiatrist to say he can't do jury duty. Do I have this right? My dad just gave me an effing doctor's note to get out of coming to my wedding. What the effing eff?! This is not the 8th grade! If you're not coming then just say so, you jerk! And don't excuse yourself on the basis of your "present state of mind"- you chose to feel this way when you chose not to take your meds anymore, so don't give me that bullshit! But that phone call- "don't pay too much attention to it". Does that mean he's coming? Or not, because he still told me to read it. And even if he is still coming- why the hell would he send me this stupid, hurtful letter less than a month before my wedding? He really is the most selfish person I've ever met. I've often thought, given the way he can't ever seem to respect anyone but himself, that he's stuck at the developmental stage where small children genuinely believe the world revolves around them. Sorry, for the rant, but whether he's coming or not- I'm really, really, really pissed. I'm going over there to find out right now.

Holy Crapola- One month left!

We have somehow arrived at the last four weeks of our 15-month engagement. How did that happen? August 3rd, folks- crunch time. Actually, we're feeling pretty good, having gotten many things done early. There's still a ton of stuff left to do, though. Like thank-you notes, seeing as we just got our first few wedding presents :) I like presents, I won't lie. It definitely feels a little funny to be getting presents like place settings and crystal candlesticks, though. I think that means we're grown ups now. Which is good because we just met with our social worker for the last time and all our references are in, so if the Commonwealth of Massachusetts indeed decides we are worthy as foster parents, we're most definitely going to have to be grown ups. Not yet, though- wedding first! Still to do: track down the twenty-one people who have still not RSVP'd, finish prep work for cake, finish music selections and find all remaining tracks for T, finalize ceremony and design programs, seating chart and placecards, figure out those pesky favors, finalize decor plans, pay balance on rings and have them customized, figure out hair, get J's shoes, go to final fitting and pick up gowns, decide on accessories, protect fingernails and whiten teeth, get gifts for various VIPs, delegate day-of duties, make bridal-emergency-kit, pay remainder of floral bill, confirm with all vendors, and, um, oh yeah- vows. Vows would be good. They are currently looming just large enough in my mind to render me speechless. I'm workin' on it!